The Joke Thread

why does an elephant have 4 feet???


cos it would look funny with 6 inches....

This post has been edited by DJ Ben: Oct 23 2005, 04:18 AM

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer....


okay i love the joke... classsic :|)

What did the man say when he saw the Elephants wearing dark sunglasses coming over the hill?


Nothing.... He didn't recognise them.

whats black n white and sits in a tree?



a fridge with a leather jacket

What do you do if an elephant comes in your room?

Swim for your life!

i like this one, but hey!

Q. what do you call a fly with no wings?????


A. a walk
:|)

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

I threw a fridge at it


Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

It was stuck to the first one.


Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

QUOTE (nitrous @ Jan 8 2004, 12:01 AM)

i like this one, but hey! Q. what do you call a fly with no wings????? A. a walk :|)

Thats like,

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud!

Why did Billy fall off the bike?


Billy was a goldfish

Im sad, i love this joke... :)

Knock knock,
Whos there?

Arch...

Arch who?

Bless you! :lol:

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

Pull petrol over it and then strike a match - 'whoof!'

-------------------

How do you make a dog go 'meow'?

Put it in the freezer for a week, take it out and put it through
a bandsaw - 'meeeooowwwww'

2 dogs are having an argument on the side of the road when a horse walks up and says "what are you 2 arguing about?" One dog turns to the other and says "Well fuck me, a talking horse!"

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jan 8 2004, 12:12 AM)

[/QUOTE] Thats like, What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud!

nice one ;)

How do you make a cat drink?

Put it through a blender.

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the barman says, "We've got a drink named after you!"

And the grasshopper says, "What? Murphy?"

What's worse than 8 babies in a bucket?

One baby in 8 buckets! :wacko:

What's the difference between a black baby and a white baby?

Ten minutes in the microwave

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being retarded

A guy walk into a bar. You'd think he would've seen it.

What's the difference a woman and a sheep?

A sheep doesn't get annoyed if you sleep with her sister

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her

How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push both of them to the side before eating

what kind of bees give milk?

Boo-Bees

My uncle just got struck off the medical list for having sex with his patients.
It's a shame cos he was a damn good vet!

when a woman has an orgasm whats her arsehole doing?

having a beer with his mates

Why don't they teach drivers education and sex eduaction on the same day in Iraq?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

why do women get thrush?

to teach them how to live with an irritating c@nt before they marry one

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?

Call her.

a nude ghost appears to some nuns in a convent, waves his member at them & says "hocus pocus"
a nun says "never mind the hocus, just pocus"

What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers into a bowling ball

I went to a girls hockey match recently and the teams were named "Skirts" and "Knickers", I stood on the side shouting, "Up with the "Skirts", down with the "Knickers"

two men walk into a bar - one of the men finds a mirror on the floor, looks into it and says to his friend. "I recognise him from somewhere". His friends takes the mirror out of his hands and says, "That's me you idiot."

Q. two men walked into a bar


A. u would have thought one of them would have seen it
;)

Why do they call it a wonder bra?

because when she takes it off, you'll wonder where her tits went!

Why do women rub there eyes when they wake up?

because they don't have balls to scratch

A dyslexic man walk into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,"Sorry, we don't serve
food in here."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

what's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

Nothing, they both cum on a boys face when he turns 13

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are
too high."

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Why are pubic hairs curly?

So they don't poke you in the eye.

Why does it take a woman with p.m.s. 3 hours to cook a small chicken?
BECAUSE IT JUST FUCKIN' DOES

I hope you like my 'few' jokes. I'll post sum more tomorrow

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jan 8 2004, 01:01 AM)

I hope you like my 'few' jokes. I'll post sum more tomorrow

Mate how do you remember them all? I was punching my brain trying to keep up! :crazy:

A girl says to her friend, "my boyfriend's a s.n.a.g., a sensitive new age guy." her friend replies "my boyfriend's a caring understanding nineties type"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

You boys are on fire!! keep em coming :thumbsup:

A man and his wife are in the bedroom one day, She looks at her self in the mirror and says' "I'm fat, pay me a compliment"

The guys says "Your eye sights spot on" :)

what do women and dog turds have in common??

The older they are the easier they are to pick up

why did moses spend 40 years wandering in the desert?

he refused to ask for directions

why do men always have a stupid look on their face?

because they are stupid

how can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

he's breathing

What do women and condoms have in common??

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

one, men will screw anything

How do your know your room mate is gay??

His dick tastes like shit

why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?

traction in the mud

Why is a paedophile like a turtle??

He got there before the hare

QUOTE (ballby @ Jan 8 2004, 01:03 AM)

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jan 8 2004, 01:01 AM) I hope you like my 'few' jokes. I'll post sum more tomorrow Mate how do you remember them all? I was punching my brain trying to keep up! :crazy:

I grew up telling jokes right through my late primary years and all thru high school and beyond. I'd rock up to school everyday almost without fail with a new joke or two and I own around 20 joke books - each of them with a few hundred pages! Don't do it as much now I suppose cos I haven't got that 'direct audience' as such :wacko:

1.How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?

10 Little piggies,
2 Calves,
1 Ass,
1 Pussy,
1 Beaver,
An unknown number of hares,
And one dead fish no one can find.

What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?

Humpme Dumpme.

What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Channel 2?

One is a theme park dominated by dinosaurs, the other is a Stephen Spielberg film.

What's the worst thing about being a test-tube baby?

You know your dad's a wanker.

In light of the news of the so-called human cloning going on, here's a
hypothetical question:

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) Murder?

B) Suicide?

C) Or merely making an obscene clone fall?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman
leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia

Whats the definition of making love?

What a woman does while a guy is fucking her

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

:sick:

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

Why did the man put a tampon on his tv?

To remind him of the cunt who stole his DVD player!

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?

Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?

They keep stepping on the strings.

What do you call a man in a pool with no legs?

Bob

How did the Irishman die drinking milk?

The cow sat on him.

Did you hear about the fellow that swam across the English Channel with no arms and no legs?

What a clever dick!

Did you hear about the Irish cat?

Did a shit and buried itself!

Did you hear about the Irish dog?

It sat down to eat a bone, but when it got up it only had three legs!

What has 4 legs, is green and brown, and if it fell out of tree and on top of you, would kill you?

A pool table

What's blue and creamy?

Smurf Cum

What's the definition of agony?

two siamese twins joined at the mouth throwing up

What's the definition of agony?

Jumping out of plane, and landing on a bike with no seat!

What's the definition of agony?

jumping out of a plane and picking your nose and landing on your elbow

Whats the definition of success?

Two guys walking down the street with a pram

How is working at McDonald's like being Michael Jackson?

They both involve sticking a 40 year old piece of meat between two, 10-year old buns.

How do you get 100 babies off the back of a truck?

With a pitchfork.

little johnny was walking down the road when a car pulled over next to him, the man in the car wound down the window and asked little johnny if he would come in the car if he gave him a lolly, little johnny replied " i'll cum in ur mouth if u give me the whole fucking bag of lollies"

This post has been edited by sleak on Jun 25 2005, 06:16 PM

The teacher asked little johny for a 10 letter word to which johny replied "masterbate". The teacher, shocked at johny's reply say's "now that's a mouthfull" to which johny replies "no your thinking of blowjob and that has 7 letters".

A guy i know suffers from ADD which is odd cos he drives a Ford Focus.

Apparently Michael Jackson was said to have celebrated his court victory with a 12 Year Old bottle of wine. Or was it a bottle of wine with a 12 year old?

Q>What time is Bed Time at Michael Jackson's house?

A>When the big hand touches the little hand.

Your momma's house is so dirty before you walk outside you have to wipe your feet.



Your momma's so dirty that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.

Your momma's so dirty that when she went swimming at the beach, she left a ring around the ocean!

Your momma's so dirty the flies on a dog shit passed out

Your momma's so dirty bigfoot took a photo of her

why was micheal jackson spotted at kmart?

because he heard boys pants were half off

Yo Mama's like a fast food retaurant, she takes orders from the front and the back

Yo Mama's teeth are so spaced out it looks like her tongue is in jail

Your Momma is like Burger King "Have it Your Way"

Yo Mama's glasses are so thick she looks at a map and sees people waving.

Yo Mama's so loose it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway

Yo Mama has touched more knobs then the gas man

Yo Mama's so fat that when God said "let there be light" he told your momma to move her fat ass out of the way

Yo Mama's so skinny she has to wipe her butt with dental floss

Yo Mama's so greasy that she has to use baccon as a bandaid

Caught Speeding
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Young Susan asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
DAD: "Only if you suck my cock, Susan. You know the rules..."
Susan sighs and drops to her knees. Dad whips his unit out and she plants her lips around it. Instantly she recoils in disgust.
SUSAN: "Eurrghh! It tastes like shit!"
DAD: " Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow twenty bucks..."

Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

A: A peodophile.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworth's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

Q: How many DJ's does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1 to change it & 20 to stand around and bitch about how they could have done it better.

Q: How many old ravers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1 to change it & 10 others to whinge about how it was better when they had the old light bulb...

QUOTE (Turbulence @ Jun 30 2005, 10:01 AM)

Q: How many DJ's does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1 to change it & 20 to stand around and bitch about how they could have done it better. Q: How many old ravers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1 to change it & 10 others to whinge about how it was better when they had the old light bulb...

It's funny coz it's true...

QUOTE (Raver1 @ Jun 30 2005, 10:03 AM)

It's funny coz it's true...

So true

Dopey & all the other dwarfs were in Rome
Dopey really needed to consult the pope about something very important

Dopey stepped forward and asked the pope.......
"Excuse me Pope, are there any Dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The pope consulted his council and replied......
"No Dopey, there aren't any dwarf nuns in Rome"
All the other Dwarfs burst out laughing!!!!!!!!!

Dopey stepped forward again
"Excuse me Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in the whole of Europe?"

The Pope consulted his council and replied.....
"No Dopey, there aren't any dwarf nuns in the whole of Europe"
All the other dwarfs burst out laughing!!!!!!!!

Dopey was sooooo upset, he stepped foward 1 last time
"Pope are there any dwarf nuns in the whole wide world?"

The pope consulted his council and replied....
"No, Dopey I'm affraid there aren't any dwarf nuns in the whole wide world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All the other Dwarfs burst out laughing
"DOPEY ****ED A PENGUIN, DOPEY ****ED A PENGUIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

QUOTE (benj2.0 @ Jun 30 2005, 01:20 PM)

All the other Dwarfs burst out laughing "DOPEY ****ED A PENGUIN, DOPEY ****ED A PENGUIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

you CAN swear if ya like

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes
for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet
potato, whom they called "Yam". Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her
about going out and getting half-baked so she wouldn't get accidentally
mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end
up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
Rotten Potato out of her! However, on the other hand she wasn't
going to stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Melbourne P.U. (Potato University) so that
when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they
did for her, Yam came home one day and announced she was going to marry
Eddie McGuire.
Eddie McGuire!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't
possibly marry Eddie McGuire, because he is just a.....



Common Tater

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs.
It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother,
"Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says,
"Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"

PREGNANCY TEST FOR AFRIACANS (or whites)wat ever..

insert banana into vagina,wait thiry seconds...
if banana comes out half eatin,,another fukn monkey on the way.

What did the dog get when it multiplied 11 x 8?

The wrong answer

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting
a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."


In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got
the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed
the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the
box,she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such
contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my
promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you
keep
the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years
you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not
to do it again.

"Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened
by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does
happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.
A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

Q. How are Michael Jackson and Santa similar?

A. They both like to empty their sacks in children's bedrooms

Q. Why did the siamese twins go to America?

A. So the one on the left could have a drive

really bad taste, one of the lads brought this one up at a recent gathering


what's red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?

a baby combing it's head with a potato peeler.



now that's probably one of the worst one's i've heard

WARNIE

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash.

This post has been edited by NTrance on Jul 4 2005, 09:59 AM

gay joke for all da computa geeks

Junior asks his Dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His Dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have
to find out anyway!
Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.
Six weeks later your Mom sent me an instant message saying that her
operating system was showing signs of unauthorised program activity from a self-extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've got
male."

This post has been edited by Betterman on Jul 4 2005, 10:17 AM

Three guys are walking along the beach one day, a New South Welshman, a Victorian and a South Australian and they happen accross a a faded barnacle encrusted bottle and pick it up. it feels strange and they discover that a Genie is tapping on the sides to get out so they open it and out pops a gorgeous female Genie, she thanks them for releasing her and promises them each one wish only as there was three of them. Well the New South Welshman jumps straight up and wishes for A billion dollars and disappears in a puff off smoke, The others are shocked at this and enquire where he has gone too and the Genie replies he is back home with a huge pile of $100 notes trying to find a way to hide it all from the rest of his family. They seem satisfied at this explaination and the Victorian jumps up and demands to be the next to make a wish and the South Aussie obliges him. The victorian starts ranting and raving about how he is a proud Victorian and how he hates the people from the rest of the states and territories so his wish is for a 25 metre high wall be built around the entire state of Vicroria so as to keep all other people out and he dissappears in a cloud of smoke. The South Aussie asked if he was back in Victoria now and the genie nods yes, Well now its the South Aussies turn and he ponders for a moment and asks , so if iv;e got this correct the New South Welshman is sitting on a huge pile of money and the Victorian is surrounded by a 20 metre high wall where nobody can get in and i assume that if thats the case that nobody would be able to get out of Victoria at the same time, The genie nods YES and the Soutrh Aussie says " well in that case my wish is that you 1/2 fill victoria with water"

QUOTE (march E @ Jul 4 2005, 04:57 AM)

really bad taste, one of the lads brought this one up at a recent gathering what's red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller? a baby combing it's head with a potato peeler. now that's probably one of the worst one's i've heard

Wanna know the worst joke i've ever heard?

Scroll down...if you dare





























Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

A. You can't gargle sand.

BEN!

I warned ya...

I know plenty of tasteless and truly revolting jokes.

So far i've been fairly reserved what i have posted on here

This post has been edited by DJ Ben on Jul 5 2005, 02:02 AM

Come on then. Revolt us!

LOL @ that one benny!!!

haha, i've been using that one for a good 6 months now, always one to pull the ladies Atleast gets a ewwww outta the fellas.
Was thinking bout putting it on here, but then decided it might be pushing it!!

QUOTE (LightningChyld @ Jul 4 2005, 07:27 PM)

Come on then. Revolt us!

Q. What's the worst part about licking a bald pussy?

A. Trying to get the nappy back on.

Q. What's better than eating a manderin?

A. Eating a manderout

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

Q. What noise was made when Graham Johncock crashed into the two parked cars?

A. Boong!

Q. What's the difference between a peodophile and acne?

A. Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

Q. Why should you not try going down on a chick first thing in the morning?

A. Well have you ever tried opening a cold toasted cheese sandwhich...?



This post has been edited by DJ Ben on Jul 6 2005, 06:50 PM

A women was disgruntled about her husband spending all his time on
the computer in chat rooms so she undressed and sat on the desk
facing him and screamed out " SuperSexSuperSex SuperSex" the
husband didn't bat an eyelid and said , ill have the soup thanks

Q: Why does Graham Johncock have a flat nose?

A: From chasing parked cars.

Q What are Micheal Huchence;s two favorite albums

















A Kick & Swing

Little known medical term #232

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two seals walk ito a club.

mine's better

I get that a lot.

2 dolphins walk into a bar and get very drunk, as they got up to leave one of them falls over passed out.. so the other dolphin, without missing a beat keeps on walking towards the door. as he's about to exit the bar tender yells "you cant leave that lyin on the floor to which the dolphin reply's.. it's not a LION, it's a dolphin..

a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bar tender says "hey we've got a drink named after you" the grasshopper replies "what, kevin?"

dyslexic people have lots of fnu

little johny is late for school again.. the teacher, who is a little pissed off says "and what is your excuse today johny"?? to which little johny replies.. "well miss, i had to take the bull around to the paddocks so he could root the cows" the teacher sounding a little frustrated ask's "why couldn't your father do it"? little johny replies "because the bull does a much better job"...........

WHY DO ALL THESE HOMOSEXUALS KEEP SUCKING MY COCK?

By Bruce Heffernan

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife—even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things, but it's all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, chest, and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures—like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.


The Onion

whats the best thing about getting a handjob from a fifteen year old? it makes your cock look big!

A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.

A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"

The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.

The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled n the rocks below.

The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!"

--------

A man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."

"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist.

"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."

--------

A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.

The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"

The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

---------

A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?"

"That's a Penis, honey."

"When am I going to get one of those?" she asked, innocently.

"As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall."

This little girl was walking down the road when a guy in a volvo pulls up and offers her a lolly
to come for a ride with him.

The girl says no and walks away down the road. The man stops again and offers her a bag of lollies
to come for a ride with him .

The girl says NO WAY and walks quickly down the road. The man pulls up again and offers her a
bag of lollies and a happy meal from macca's to come for a ride with him.

The girl says fuck off dad, you bought the fukin volvo you ride in it:P

A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room.

He asks the first man, who replies: "I hold a porno mag."

The second says: "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net."

The third says: "I hold a sponge."

The researcher, startled, says: "Why a sponge?"

"Well, I've got to use something to bathe the kids."

Ben you seem a tad obsessed with some sick shit. Have you seen the film Evilenko with Malcolm Macdowell?

Obsessed?? not at all. i'm just not easily offended.

The thread IS called 'Worst Joke' after all!

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jul 11 2005, 08:03 PM)

A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out. A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?" The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled n the rocks below. The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!" -------- A man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter." "Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist. "Nah, she just lays there like her mother." -------- A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest. The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!" The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!" --------- A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?" "That's a Penis, honey." "When am I going to get one of those?" she asked, innocently. "As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall."

Ben, you are 1 sick fuck. I love it.

A lion walks into a bar and asks for a beer, to which the Bartender replies "No way, get out of here, I aint sering no lion!" The lion is very aggravated by this and goes rah!! and bites a big piece out of the bar. The bar tender says "Well I'm definately not sering you now, I dont sell alcohol to drug addicts". The lion then says "I aint no drug addict!", to which the bar tender repies "Oh yeah, what about that bar-bit-u-ate?"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PORT POWER SUPPORTER WHEN...

..you let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids



This post has been edited by spyrokeet on Jul 12 2005, 04:01 PM

YOU KNOW YOUR A CROWS SUPPORTER WHEN.....

you think about 'the good old days of back to back premierships', although it was almost a decade ago so your memory is a little hazy. perhaps you need to DUST OFF THE OLD VHS's an watch the finals again, if you still have a vcr

Q. Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?

A. Blonde boyfriends

wats the best thing about dating homeless girls?????


u can drop em off anywhere...

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to
the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I
am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.


He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this,

she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"


He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"


The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in the line at McDonald's."

Bwahahahhahahahaa

Q. Why are little girls better than little boys

A. You can flip little girls over and turn them into little boys..


theres one for ya ben

omg..hhahhahahahahha

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
Some cards on the floor. When he bent down the table to pick them up, he
Noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed
He did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500,"
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p. m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6
p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly did John come by
the house this afternoon?
Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror

she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes,

in fact he did give me $500,"
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house
this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!

QUOTE (DeeAndrea @ Jul 12 2005, 09:20 PM)

Q. Why are little girls better than little boys A. You can flip little girls over and turn them into little boys.. theres one for ya ben

heard it...

A woman's just had a baby. The doctor says I've got some good news and some bad news.
"Whats the bad news?" the woman asks.
"Your baby is a red head" says the doc
"Whats the good news?"
The doctor replies,
"Its dead."

Q. What's got two legs and bleeds?

A. Half a dog.

Q. What's the difference between apple pie and pussy

A. You can eat Grandma's apple pie

Q- Whats the difference between a Blonde and a pantech

A- You can put a load in a pantech and it doesnt follow you around for a month

Q. Why do they call a pap smear, a pap smear?
A. If they called it a cunt scrape no woman would have one.

Q: What do you call a leper in a anal-fuck?
A: Porridge!!!!!!!

Q.What do you do when you see a space man?

A.Park in it man

i heard that in grade 6 and it stil aint funny

what is a specimen?

an italian space man.

Little Johnny walks in on his mum in the shower and notises she is different down stairs and asks " whats that mum, why are u different?" She repplies "thats where your father hit me with the axe". So Jonny walks over to the window and yells to his dad "GOOD SHOT DAD RIGHT IN THE CUNT!"

QUOTE (Tank @ Jul 14 2005, 05:09 PM)

Q.What do you do when you see a space man? A.Park in it man i heard that in grade 6 and it stil aint funny

I heard this one in year 6.

Q. Why was 6 sad?

A. 7 8 9

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jul 14 2005, 05:29 PM)

QUOTE (Tank @ Jul 14 2005, 05:09 PM) Q.What do you do when you see a space man? A.Park in it man i heard that in grade 6 and it stil aint funny I heard this one in year 6. Q. Why was 6 sad? A. 7 8 9

We can be not funny together

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jul 14 2005, 05:29 PM)

QUOTE (Tank @ Jul 14 2005, 05:09 PM) Q.What do you do when you see a space man? A.Park in it man i heard that in grade 6 and it stil aint funny I heard this one in year 6. Q. Why was 6 sad? A. 7 8 9

That would have to be the shittest joke ever.

Punch yourself in the face.

Little Johnny walked up to his mum and said 'Mum theres a prawn hanging from Grandma's cunt!' His mother replied ' She laughed and said thats not a prawn'. Little johnny replied ' It tastes like one'.

This post has been edited by CLOUD9 on Jul 14 2005, 05:47 PM

QUOTE (CLOUD9 @ Jul 14 2005, 05:45 PM)

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jul 14 2005, 05:29 PM) QUOTE (Tank @ Jul 14 2005, 05:09 PM) Q.What do you do when you see a space man? A.Park in it man i heard that in grade 6 and it stil aint funny I heard this one in year 6. Q. Why was 6 sad? A. 7 8 9 That would have to be the shittest joke ever. Punch yourself in the face. Little Johnny walked up to his mum and said 'Mum theres a prawn hanging from Grandma's cunt!' His mother replied ' She laughed and said thats not a prawn'. Little johnny replied ' It tastes like one'.

Where were you last night?
Punch your self in the face

This post has been edited by Tank on Jul 14 2005, 05:50 PM

QUOTE (Tank @ Jul 14 2005, 05:49 PM)

QUOTE (CLOUD9 @ Jul 14 2005, 05:45 PM) QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jul 14 2005, 05:29 PM) QUOTE (Tank @ Jul 14 2005, 05:09 PM) Q.What do you do when you see a space man? A.Park in it man i heard that in grade 6 and it stil aint funny I heard this one in year 6. Q. Why was 6 sad? A. 7 8 9 That would have to be the shittest joke ever. Punch yourself in the face. Little Johnny walked up to his mum and said 'Mum theres a prawn hanging from Grandma's cunt!' His mother replied ' She laughed and said thats not a prawn'. Little johnny replied ' It tastes like one'. Where were you last night? Punch your self in the face

Finished work at around 7pm man.. Did around.. 11 hours..

Got home had dinner.. was fucked.

Fair enough.. I mean SOFT... have a look what i posted on the "Dont you love when..."

This post has been edited by Tank on Jul 14 2005, 06:00 PM

Little Johnny was in class and all the students had to select a word, any word they liked, and use it in a sentence.

The teacher selected Lucy to speak first she got up and said
"My word is Flowers, Miss. My Mum has lots of beautiful flowers in her garden."
"Very nice Lucy" the teacher replied
One by one, each child stood up and delivered thier words and sentences. Then, its little Johnny's turn.
He stands up and says "MY word is URINATE, Miss"
the teacher lets out a loud sigh. "OK Johnny, what is your sentence"
Little Johhny then says
"My dad says urinate miss, but if your tits were better, you'd be a ten"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning
Off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
steamy session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent b*st*rd," She screamed at him, "how could you be
Lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy ........ if you explain the kids."

QUOTE (ShiBBy @ Jul 14 2005, 06:23 PM)

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning Off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, steamy session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b*st*rd," She screamed at him, "how could you be Lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy ........ if you explain the kids."

awesome!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jul 13 2005, 12:01 AM)

QUOTE (DeeAndrea @ Jul 12 2005, 09:20 PM) Q. Why are little girls better than little boys A. You can flip little girls over and turn them into little boys.. theres one for ya ben heard it... A woman's just had a baby. The doctor says I've got some good news and some bad news. "Whats the bad news?" the woman asks. "Your baby is a red head" says the doc "Whats the good news?" The doctor replies, "Its dead."

Im well offended Ben. But nice one.

A guy went to a prostitute in a small town who claimed she could give blowies and singing fluently at the same time but the only catch was that it has to be with the lights off. The man paid his $50 and the lights were turned out. Soon he felt the warmth slide up and down his cock and almost straight away came her voice singing perfectly good english beer drinking songs.

The man couldn't believe what he was hearing as he was certainly feeling on the most intense oral sex sessions ever. His curiosity got the better of him and without any notice he quietly leaned over to the bedside lamp and quickly turn on the bedside lamp.

The first thing he saw was a glass eye on the table...

Q.Whats the worst part about sex with an infant.

A. Hearing the pelvis snap.

Sorry

don't be sorry, its the WORST joke thread...

Man driving along the road when he sees a young boy walking home
Man: Give you a sweet will you come in my car
Boy: Give me the packet I'll come in your mouth

two peanuts were walking through a forrest and they got asalted

In school science class, four worms were placed into four seperate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke

The third worm was put into a jar of semen

The fourth was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol... dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke... dead

The third worm in semen... dead

The fourth worm in soil... alive

So the science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex you won't have worms."

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked "Joey, what are you doing?" Joey replied, "Teacher my mum had me circumcised yesterday and it still hurts." So the teacher sent Joey to the principals office to call his mother and ask what he should do.

When Joey came back from the office he had his penis hanging out. "Joey what are you doing?!" Joey answered "Mum told me to stick it out till lunch then she would be here to pick me up."

Q: How do you stop your neighbours kids from playing in your front yard?
A: Molest them
__________________________________________

A little girl and her mother were at the zoo one day. As they passed by the monkey cage, the little girl was so fascinated by the fornicating monkeys that she pulled on her mother's sleeve to ask her what they were doing. The mother, not wanting to explain sex to her daughter yet came up with a solution. She told her that they were baking a cake. The little girl accepted this answer and on they went.

A few days later as mother and daughter were walking through the park, the little girl was drawn to some bushes where she heard a noise. Upon parting the bushes she saw two people fucking. She called her mother over and again asked what they were doing. The mother, knowing that it worked the first time, told her daughter the same thing. The two people were baking a cake. Again, the girl accepted the answer.

The next morning, the little girl came up to her mother and said "You and daddy were baking a cake last night, weren't you"? The mother was embarassed but asked her daughter how she knew this. The little girl's face lit up with a big smile as she said "Because I licked the icing off the couch".
__________________________________________

Q. How do you get a small dog to stop humping your leg?
A. Pick it up and suck it's cock
__________________________________________

Q. What's worse than finding out your little sister has got her period?

A. Tasting it on your dads cock
__________________________________________

Rape isn't funny unless it's done by a clown.

__________________________________________

A girl was heading out to run some errands one afternoon, and needed to borrow her fathers car.

"You want to borrow my car?", he said. "Well, you'll have to give me a blowjob."

So, she gets down to business... she starts, but after a few seconds, stops.

"Ew Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"

"Sorry darling, but your brother wanted the car this morning."

> Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see
> Shane walk into the change rooms with a pair of women's panties on his
arm.
>
> Somewhat used to Shane's tendencies, they let it go and went
> about getting ready. The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the
> batsman came and went with a puzzled expression on their faces but no one
> dared ask about the panties.
>
> Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and
> gently whispered to him. "Er Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many
> unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be
wearing
> a
> pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more
> trouble."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> "No, no!" Shane grinned. "It's a Patch.... I'm trying to quit."

haha got sent that one at work last week .. gold

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and begins to
read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she
replies. (Thinking isn't it obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing
area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading".

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I have not touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL of this STORY: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she
can also think.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and begins to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. (Thinking isn't it obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading".

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I have not touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL of this STORY: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

QUOTE (Mr S @ Jul 19 2005, 12:51 PM)

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index
finger shot off.

How did this happen? the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

What? sputtered the doctor. You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?

No, Silly! the blonde said. First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought:

I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

So then? asked the doctor.

Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought:

I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the
mouth.

So then?

Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought:

This is going to make a loud noise.

So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.

QUOTE (Twisten @ Jul 19 2005, 01:12 PM)

MORAL of this STORY: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

I love the fact that the point of your DOUBLE POST was that women are smart

One day a boy was staying at his grandfathers house. It was a nice day outside so he says to his grandfather
"grandad, tek us to fair"
"ney lad, im looking after you, thats enough"
After some pleading from the boy the grandfather finally caves in. Whilst walking through the fair the boy sees the waltzers
"grandad, give us go on waltzers"
"ney lad, i took you to fair"
after some pleading the boy gets a ride on the waltzers. As they walk by the boy sees the dodgems
"grandad, give us go on dodgems"
"ney lad, took you to fair, gave you a ride on the waltzers, not the dodgems aswell"
after some pleading the boy gets a go. Then the boy sees a raffle, the prize is to win a donkey, there is only a few minutes before the draw.
"grandad, let us go on the raffle"
"ney lad, took you to fair, gave you ride on the waltzers and the dodgems"
After some pleading the boy gets his way and he wins the donkey.
"grandad, can i call the donkey wanker?"
"ney lad, took you to fair, gave you ride on waltzers and the dodgems, let you win the raffle"
After some pleading the boy gets his way. They go home, with the donkey in tow. They tie the donkey on the fence.

Later that night a storm is brewing, all of a sudden there is a bolt of lightning that hits the fence, the donkey runs and snaps the rope attatching him, he then bolts down the street.

"Grandad, grandad, wankers off!"









"ney lad, took you to fair, gave you a ride on waltzers....."

Have you heard that the Vietnamese aren't going to put up xmas lights this year? They're just gonna hang Glitter instead

A man goes into a brothel, horny as all hell, and demands to have a
woman immediately. The madame tells him, "All of our ladies are
currently busy, but if you wouldn't mind waiting for an hour or so,
one of them would be more than happy to help you with your needs."

The man says, "That not good enough! I have to have a woman NOW! Any
woman! I can't wait any longer!"

The madame says, "Weeelllllll, you can probably have Grandma, and
since she hasn't gotten any for a long time, you'd both be getting
something out of it, and I can let you have her at a discount."

The man says, "Fine! Anything! Anything!"

Up in Grandma's room, as he's humping away, he starts licking her
tits, and then sucks on one of them, getting a mouthful of warm
liquid. After swallowing it, he says, "Mmm, I'm suprised that a woman
your age could still have milk."

To which the old woman replies, "No, but a woman my age could have
cancer."

What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit

Life is all about arse;
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one ....
:lol:

A young man goes into a bar and tells the Bartender. "I need a drink, I just had my first blow job" Great says the bartender, this one is on the house, was it fun? Yes replied the man, "Better give me another drink barkeep, I can't get that taste out of my mouth"

George best is lying on his death bed and his doctor walks in the room and says.. "George i have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?"

George says "I'll have the bad news first"

Doctor says "You have an hour to live"

George says "Whats the good news?"

Doctor says "It's happy hour!!!"

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives
you a hard way to go!

Should be fun

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a
refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought
it on special.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a
growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" the
explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't
give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts
screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"

And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'm being SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded

- what did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?

- he doesnt know

Dear Mum

Won't be home for xmas, going to hang around Singapore.

Love your son

Van Nguyen

whats the difference between Ricky Ponting and Nguyens mum?

She gets to bring home the ashes

The Hoff walks up to his friend Mike and says "From now on, I just wanna be known as The Hoff and nothing else". Mike replies "No Hassel"

Shazza goes into Centrelink......

"How many children?" asks the Centrelink worker.

"10" replies Shazza

"10???" says the Centrelink worker. " What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the Centrelink worker.

"Naah..." says Shazza "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY or WAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says Shazza... "I just use their surnames"

A man goes to the zoo,

He gets to the zoo and theres only a dog,

It was a Shitzu

Subject: CINDERELLA


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful! , stunni ngly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you had me de-sexed."
:lol:

This is gold!!! :lol:

little johnny and his grandpa were sitting watching tv one evening when grandma brings in a beer for grandpa little johnny looks up at grandpa and asks "grandpa can i have a sip of you beer"
grandpa replies "johnny can you dick touch you asshole?"
johnny with a confused look on his face says "no"
grandpa says "well johnny when your dick can touch your asshole i will give you a sip of my beer"
a few mins later grandma bring in a cigar for grandpa johnny ask "grandpa can i have a puff of your cigar"
grandpa replies "johnny can you dick touch you asshole?"
a little less confused this time johnny replies "no"
again grandpa comes back with "well johnny when you dick can touch your asshole you can have a puff of my cigar"
moments later grandma brings in some milk and cookies for johnny grandpa looks down at johnny and asks "johnny me boy can grandpa have a cookie and some milk to dunk it in?"
johnny replies with "grandpa can your dick touch your asshole"
thinking hes quite smart grandpa replies "yes"
johnny then replies with "WELL GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose

Little Patrick asked his Dad if he could have a 10 speed mountain bike for his Birthday, his Dad said sorry son we just can't afford it at the moment as the mortgage is $80,000 and your mum just lost her job.

The following day the Dad saw that little patrick had packed a suitcase and was headed out the door.

He asked him where he thought he was going and little Patrick said well last night i was walking past yout bedroom and i heard you say to Mum that you were Pulling Out and she said NO Hold On Im Coming Too. theres no way im gonna be left here alone with an $80,000 mortgage and no bloody bike.

Bored Gynecologist


A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it's gone forever

Q. Why is Santa definitely a man?

A. Cos he turns up late, eats your food, drinks your booze, empties his sack, only comes once and then fucks off before you wake up.

Q. What's the advantage of fingering a gypsy during her period?

A. You get your palm red for free.

------

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After 10 years your job still sucks

Q. Whats always starts with a p?

A. A shit.

A crab is walking along a beach scratching its genitals a man says to him"whats the matter" and the crab replys "ive got peoples.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.

Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."&nbp;

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles. One was
already occupied so I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped
my trousers and sat down. Suddenly, a voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how you doing?" I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what you up to mate?"
Again I answered, although somewhat reluctantly - unsure what to say, I
replied "Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?" I then
heard the voice for the third time ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call
you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the
loo next to me answering everything I say."

BLONDES DO IT AGAIN :lol:



A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.


When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:

"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.


"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did. "Now take down my zipper".

She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered

"Well............ go ahead".


The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........





"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

:lol:

Whats black and blue and doesnt like morning sex?









A rape victim.

*i know its not humourous*

Someone hook me up with some dead baby jokes, I'm in need of a laff

:sneaky:

:lol:

Don't look at me like that, Kristen :cry:

:gasp:

that is terrible ...

Really..?

I thought it was a bit tame :lol: :fear:

This post has been edited by rockshow girl: Jan 27 2006, 02:13 PM

Think it may have been said before, but I love it coz its sooooo BaD!

Q. Why is tarzan always getting lost?

A. Because Junglist massive!!

A Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says "Fluctuations."



The Asian man says "Fluc you white guys too!"

Once upon a time: Three little ducks go into a bar..............

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. I Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles!!"
:lol:

Three Lab Retrievers - a brown, a yellow, and a black are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything: the sofa, the drapes, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"He's gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So it's Prozac for you too, huh?"

"Oh no,." says the black lab, "I'm just here to get my nails clipped."


:w00t:

> Irish Drunk

>Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the

>night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

>Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
>Paddy"

>Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

>Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
>face.

>"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
>off.

>He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

>"Shoite, Shoite!"

>He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
>to
>the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

>He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

>He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels

>much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on
>his
>face.

>"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

>He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,

>hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

>He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way".

>He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to

>the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

>He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

>The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of

>coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
>night?"

>Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

>"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend.
A: Wiped his arse

Q: What did the lepor say to the prostitute
A: Keep the Tip

Q: What's the best thing about shagging twenty six years olds?
A: There's twenty of them

Q: What's 3 foot tall and sits at the end of little girls' beds?
A: Gary Glitter's boots.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps oneverything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather thanworking hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the"adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you've hit 'reply all') - New Oxford Dictionary definitions .

GOING FOR A McSH*T. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a Mcsh*t with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder,repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS. Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please"

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that
she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they
were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted
that the surgery be kept a secret and the Surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found
three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought
I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me
in the surgery and empathized because she had had
the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn
unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears." :thumbsup:

that was gold laa laa!! hehehhe

More Chuck Norris!

>>- You can lead a horse to water. Chuck Norris can make him drink.

>>- If Chuck Norris was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

>>- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Chuck Norris spared your life. .

>>- Every time you masturbate Chuck Norris kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

>>- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Chuck Norris is, in fact, still alive.

>>- Chuck Norris once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

>>- Chuck Norris was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Chuck Norris.

>>- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Chuck Norris. Sounds like a fair fight.

>>- Chuck Norris killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.

>>- Chuck Norris doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

>>- Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

>>- Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

>>- Chuck Norris favorite colour is severe terror alert red. His second favourite colour is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

>>- If Chuck Norris and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Chuck would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

>>- Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

>>- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Chuck Norris does not feel like carrying you.

>>- Chuck Norris got Hellen Keller to talk.

>>- When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Chuck Norris fcuking hates lemonade.

>>- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

>>- Killing Chuck Norris doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

>>- Chuck Norris can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

>>- Chuck Norris is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

>>- People with amnesia still remember Chuck Norris.

>>- It would only take 1 bullet for Chuck Norris to kill 50 Cent.

>>- Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

>>- Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why theres no life on Mars.

>>-When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

>>- Simon Says should be renamed to Chuck Norris Says because if Chuck Norris says something then you better fcuking do it.

Q: Why was 6 scared of 7??

A: Cause 7, 8, 9!!

Lol! :)

Sorry to all the blondies :err:

A Blondes Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels

Helllloooo!!! ..... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

George bush has a heart attavk and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," Says the Devil.

"You're on my list but i have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing outm over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and i don't think i could do that all day long."

The Devil lead him to the second room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all i could do was break rocks all day" commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs in the spread-eagled pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

This post has been edited by jodiejai: Feb 6 2006, 03:17 PM

Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Son: Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?

Dad: A pink rose with loveley details.

Son: And after sex?

Dad: Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?

:sick:



*NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female friends that ican get 1000 tampons for ?1, No Strings attached but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal !

This post has been edited by DJ Ben: Feb 6 2006, 04:23 PM

The New Car.
===========
A Blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet his friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her "What happened?"

She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye these car designers, these people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I

really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come
work."


The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go work. You try that."


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Elton John is getting divorced already.
He found out that his husband was having sex behind his back.....

Your dad is so gay, he got fired form the sperm bank for drinking on the job...

:sick: fuckin hell paul, lol

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her...

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, PLEASE... just pull the plug".

So his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.

Prime Minister John Howard, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello, and

Industrial Relations Minister Kevin Andrews are flying on the

Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Howard turns to

Costello and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000

bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."



Costello shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills

out the window and make ten people happy." Not to be outdone,

Andrews says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the

window and make a hundred people happy."


The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant

arses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the

window and make millions of people happy."

rofl, i love it!

What you call dog with no legs?

Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come :baaa:

What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's First Movement.

This post has been edited by Courtz: Apr 20 2006, 03:30 PM

Pick up line:

If i was a flip coin, what are my chances of getting head?

60% of the time it works everytime.

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the
shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",

To which the lady replied "Yes".

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".

What is the similarity between cunnilingus and the Mafia?
One slip of the tounge and you are in deep shit.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Two if they are small enough

Why shouldnt you wear Russian underpants?

Because chernobyl fall out!

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Hahahah so funny........ another gold one to try and remember :lol: !!

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.

She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.

Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way.

Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turned around furiously and said,

"How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now."

Did you hear that Michael Jackson is selling his amusement park? Now that it's over 15 years old, it doesn't interest him!

-----

A man comes home from work one day and tells his wife that he just bought a pack of olympic condoms. His wife asks which ones should they try first and he replies "we'll try the silver medal condom first ok?" and she says "yes thats fine, atleast that means this time you WONT COME FIRST!!"

-----

a man is in the doctor's office & the doctor says "sir you'll have to stop masterbating
and the man replies "why? will i go blind?
and the doctor says No! it's annoying the other patients in the waiting room

-----

What's Tulsa bacwards?

A slut.

What's a slut backwards?

A hundred dollards!!

-----

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A pilot, YOU FUCKING RACIST!

-----

In Primary School the teacher asked the student's to use the word Contaigous in a sentence...

Little Benny stood us and said, last week when mum asked dad to do something, she said that God that farkin cunt takes ages"... :w00t:

Did you know that yesterday was International Star Wars Day?

May the 4th be with you!

Courtroom Drama

A seven year old boy was at the centre of an Adelaide courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Port Adelaide Power, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.