Think you're funny eh?

Jokes never go astray!

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.


It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking in the US state of Wyoming.

Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp and One man may not be on another man's back in Atlanta.

In Alabama Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
Here's my favourite... Incestous marriages are legal!!!

QUOTE (LightningChyld @ Nov 7 2003, 06:25 PM)

Here's my favourite... Incestous marriages are legal!!!

Ummm may I ask why? :wacko:

Also, they dont execute you for putting salt on railway tracks in Alabama...

QUOTE (Mayday @ Nov 7 2003, 07:39 PM)

QUOTE (LightningChyld @ Nov 7 2003, 06:25 PM) Here's my favourite... Incestous marriages are legal!!! Ummm may I ask why? :wacko: Also, they dont execute you for putting salt on railway tracks in Alabama...

No shit! I was wondering who'd pick up on the bullshit ones.
Some of them are actually true, but some are complete crap.


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

:saywhat:

ouch

*holds his right testical and squints eyes

Quote of the day:

Krissy (7:38 PM) :
i think opra knows what shes talking aboiut


BAHAHHAHAHAA

Oprah's show on kids taking E was a fuckn joke....

HAHAA classic.. thats what she was talking about too!!!!
She believes every word and that people have 'holes' in there brain! :stoop:

Make Her Feel Like A Woman

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt

......one button at a time.

......No one moves.

.......He removes his shirt.

.....Muscles ripple across his chest

......he whispers:

........here, iron this


heh.

QUOTE (G__ @ Nov 8 2003, 07:10 PM)

HAHAA classic.. thats what she was talking about too!!!! She believes every word and that people have 'holes' in there brain! :stoop:

Hey leave my Miss Krissy alone...

*kicks* :|)

heres a few - Sorry girlies hope i dont offend any of ya's....

What do women and dog turds have in common?
The older they are the easier they are to pick up

What do women and condoms have in common?
they both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

why is a pedophile like a turtle?
He got there before the hare

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

QUOTE (Luci @ Nov 10 2003, 06:59 PM)

QUOTE (G__ @ Nov 8 2003, 07:10 PM) HAHAA classic.. thats what she was talking about too!!!! She believes every word and that people have 'holes' in there brain!  :stoop: Hey leave my Miss Krissy alone... *kicks* :|)

for fucks sake the whole point was g that i was right and you were DEAD wrong and im not STUPID so ner

thanks lucy babe MWAAAAAAAA lub yah

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman
says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread, ask me
again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d
bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day, he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign on it.
The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
"I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation, so he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts:
"All right, enough already, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"

One fine day Mr Rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint. "Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you smoke puff ? Come run with me and get fit instead" So the giraffe stops rolling his bifter and runs with the rabbit . Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror. The rabbit says, "Elephant, elephant. why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead and get fit." So the elephant stops and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack. "Lion, lion" cries the rabbit, "Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead." The lion with a mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens. "No!" the giraffe and the elephant cry. "Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!" "Fucking rabbit always makes me run around this wanky forest when he's done a few pills..."

:lol:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor, I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
______________________________________________
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management

from the onion magazine enchanted promo
"oddy in a lycra suit"
that made me laugh
mwwwwwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

A Girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's her turn to buy a
round, she tells him of a wonderful new drink that he simply must
try.

She returns with the usual Lager for herself but for him she has two
glasses and a salt shaker.

One glass contains a measure of Baileys, the other has Lime juice.
"Okay, what you have to do is put a large pinch of salt on your
tongue, swig theBaileys, hold it in your mouth and then drink the Lime juice".

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to
give it a go.

First the salt.......fine, he handles that.

Next the Baileys.......lovely, smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the
mouth.............a bit odd with the salt though.

Then he takes the Lime juice.

+ 1 second = the cream in the Baileys curdles...

+ 3 seconds = Boyfriend's face turns the color of the Lime juice...

+ 6 seconds = Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge...

+ 8 seconds = She whispers in his ear

"It's called Bl@wjobs Revenge".

QUOTE (charleymoose @ Nov 14 2003, 10:13 AM)

A Girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's her turn to buy a round, she tells him of a wonderful new drink that he simply must try. She returns with the usual Lager for herself but for him she has two glasses and a salt shaker. One glass contains a measure of Baileys, the other has Lime juice. "Okay, what you have to do is put a large pinch of salt on your tongue, swig theBaileys, hold it in your mouth and then drink the Lime juice". He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the salt.......fine, he handles that. Next the Baileys.......lovely, smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.............a bit odd with the salt though. Then he takes the Lime juice. + 1 second = the cream in the Baileys curdles... + 3 seconds = Boyfriend's face turns the color of the Lime juice... + 6 seconds = Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge... + 8 seconds = She whispers in his ear "It's called Bl@wjobs Revenge".

:sick: ahhahahahha, thats hilarious!!!
does it actual work like that??

why dont ya try it . . .i know i won't!

a woman is giving birth to her first baby in a hospital. she goes through the normal procedure and delivers a beutiful baby. but before the woman can hold her baby the doctor takes a look at it and abruptly drop-kicks it out of the room. he runs after it and throws it back in, hitting the wall. the woman is in hysterics and bawling her eyes out, yet the doctor proceeds to sling it around the room, holding onto its feet.
yelling and screaming can be heard corridors away from the room, yet the doctor still persists and resorts to smashing its head against a bedpost.
"stop, stop, please stop, dear god no!" the woman cries
the doctor turns around with a grin on his face
"April fool's, it was born dead!!"

Why are men like clouds?



Coz eventually they fuck off and it's a nice day :)

redneck sexist wifebeater jokes:

why do women have short feet?
to get closer to the sink

what do you do when your wife is in the loungeroom?
shorten the chain.

what do you do when your wife asks for the time?
tell her to get back to the kitchen there's a clock on the stove

i just read this on thehunsYP

Mum comes to visit her son for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vicki, a young female roommate. Mum couldn't help but notice how pretty her son's roommate was. She suspects a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his mum's thoughts, the son volunteered... "Mum, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vicki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vicki came to the son saying... "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left and went back home. Your loving Son."
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vicki, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now".

Brittany spears said her latest single was "trancey"

davygg out scores muffo on the plurred up bitches stakes

QUOTE (missjaykay @ Nov 17 2003, 11:36 PM)

davygg out scores muffo on the plurred up bitches stakes

LoL !

Details ... ??!?!?!?!?

DavyG has plurred up bitches now?
What did you get up to on the weekend Davy?!

her name was eckybecky shed been on a cruise davygg scored a hat and a smoooch

Yeah no shit I'm devastated!
she was looking back and forth a bit, sorta like a snake hypnotising mongooses... but davy got the kiss!
And the hat... I wanted that hat, too...
:|)

QUOTE (missjaykay @ Nov 17 2003, 11:42 PM)

her name was eckybecky shed been on a cruise davygg scored a hat and a smoooch

Is it as cool as the hat that appeared @ my place from Bodhi's party ? I think not ... *struts*

tuff luck i heard it shits all over your hat
*strutsss shaking ass*

Fuckin hell!!! I thought Davy G gay...?
Seriously, I was told...

Shows how much I know

Whilst on the topic of hats...

I'm looking for a multi-coloured furry 'MUNTED' hat.. made by my house mate... she would be liking to get it backz!

Lost at Mylor Rukkas..

Thankyee.

QUOTE (missjaykay @ Nov 17 2003, 11:48 PM)

tuff luck i heard it shits all over your hat *strutsss shaking ass*

If you keep shaking that ass it'll get SLAPPED!

QUOTE (Double D @ Nov 17 2003, 11:49 PM)

Fuckin hell!!! I thought Davy G gay...? Seriously, I was told... Shows how much I know

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

QUOTE (Phunkii @ Nov 17 2003, 11:53 PM)

QUOTE (missjaykay @ Nov 17 2003, 11:48 PM) tuff luck i heard it shits all over your hat *strutsss shaking ass* If you keep shaking that ass it'll get SLAPPED!

is that a promise ;)

Just look at my signiture! Its a HOOT!

Laughable goodness!
Ruski and Bunny rock!

haha ruski and bunni rock...I was just looking up the website when i read this

The 3 stages of sex during marriage:

1 - honeymoon sex - lots of sex, anytime, anywhere!
2 - bedroom sex - less of it and restricted to the bedroom.
3 - hallway sex - when you walk past each other in the hallway and say 'f*ck you!'


I am never getting married.. hehe :teehee:

One fine day Mr Rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a
giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint. "Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you smoke
puff ?

Come run with me and get fit instead" So the giraffe stops rolling his
bifter and runs with the rabbit .

Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a
mirror. The rabbit says, "Elephant, elephant. why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead and get fit." So the elephant stops and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack. "Lion, lion" cries the rabbit, "Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.

" The lion with a mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens.
"No!" the giraffe and the elephant cry. "Why did you do that? All he was
trying to do was to help you out!"

"Fucking rabbit always makes me run around this wanky forest when he's done a few pills..."

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
> > reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at
> > 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
> > The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and
> > begins to rant about the new employee.
> >
> > He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line
> > is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
> > The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for
> > himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.
> > When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
> > Elmo's all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up
> >
> > At the end of the line stands the new employee.
> > She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles.
> > The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
> > wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package
> > between Elmo's legs!
> >
> > The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several
> > minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
> > "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
> > think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two
> > test
> > tickles."

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you? :geek:

http://isol8.org/filemgmt_data/files/bang.swf

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex.

But there had to be a way........ One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

WIthin seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here- that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir' the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

This is a true story that happened TODAY.... fuck I have some funny friends...
haha

-------------------------------------------------

My morning,

Got dad to give me a lift half way to the station at 6:50. got to station, had to run for the train. got on train found i left money at home. went to get off and stupid conductor guy tried to fine me. I gave a fake name which he picked up straight away..? What doesnt sound real about james peterson?? So we argued to colonades i explained to him my situation. he said he was going to fine me i said fine away. he asked for ID.. I spoke very slowly for him this time.. "i dont have my wallet retard" he didnt take offense to retard but he did to me talking slowly he did.
So any way i got off the train and ran for a taxi so i could get on the next train. Well Security stopped me and again tried to fine me and wouldnt let me go. so i slowly walked with security and jumped into a cab. The cabby was good for a second and took off. Half way home i told him i was taking him to my house to get my wallet. Well he changed tune quick smart. Wanted to take me back to security. So i gave him my Minidisk and back pack as security so he would keep going. He did i got home 7:05am. Ran in got him money, came out and he was leaving.!!!!. so i chased him and he stopped. said he was just kidding. I tell you a few more kick boxing sessions i would have nutted him. Payed him his $5 and grabbed my shit.
Went closed the door and started running.. I heard someone behind me about 50 metres up the road.. My little bitch puppy followed me. Grabbed the little C*nt and ran her home then turn to run for the train station. I bolted all the way in my little Nike slip on shoes. As i got to the platforms my train was leaving (fucking dog!) And i kicked in anger. Well the slip on came off and landed on the south bound track. Of course i could have caught the south bound train that was coming but my shoe was on the track. so i missed that. I went to get my shoe and ran along the tracks to get the 7:28 express train from colonades to town. About 10 minutes into my run i realised from my shadow my bag was open. Luckily only just as my lunch box fell out. Did it up ran to the train. cought the fucker only to have the same "mr fucking fine me" conductor stop me. I whipped out my ticket and told him to mind his fucking business. He said i was showing an agressive manner and had to get off.. ( again. kick boxing lessons.. Need more! ) I walked off and got on the next carriage. He saw me and got me off that too. so pretended to walk off but walked around the building.. (mr smartypants) When i heard the beep for the train about to leave i bolted and jumped on the end carriage. I know he saw me but its an express train. Teeheee. With in 2 minutes he was in my carriage. The carriage was full and i was by the window and surrounded by people. Mr poo head conductor came up to me and started yelling.. I told him i just wanted to read my book and get to work. The people around me got a bit angry at him and his tone and told him to calm down. Anyway i won that round buit i was still down about 10 - 1 for the morning.

Thats all from me.. I hope your mornings have gone a little better than mine.

Banging Tunes made me laugh today.

$4.83 for 10 record sleeves
$11.84 to post them to australia

Commonwealth bank made me chuckle yesterday, I went in to withdraw some money and after I was finished the chick goes 'will that be all for today sir?' and I go yes and she goes 'Not looking at buying any property?'
......talk about ambitious. Surely she noticed the $4.90 remaining in my account?

our 'little miss prissy' of a stuck up receptionist today sneezed so hard she let an air biscuit go at the same time, and a bloody loud one i might add :sick:

all of us fellas bursted out laughing and started to mimic the prude - the scene ended quite quickly when she ran for the ladies room in sobbing tears! - which only made us mimic her louder so she could her us from the bowl!

The cops raided Michael Jacksons house last week:
They found class A drugs, class B drugs and class 5C!!

What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
I'll swap you two fives for a ten!

What did the man say to Michael Jackson on the beach?
Get out of my sun!


Haha, I know its sick but i can't get enuf of them, they crack me up!

Another BAD Michael Jackson joke...

Michael Jackson says to his wife minutes after she has given birth "How long till we can have sex?"
To this she replied "For fucks sake, can't you at least wait until it can walk?"

Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Australia???
They couldn't find three wise men & a virgin.......

What has two legs & bleeds?
Half a dog.

Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a tomato.

Why did Spadge fall off his bike?
Wojtek threw a fridge at him. (sorry to pick on you guys but I need names to use.... !!)

What did one tomato say to the other tomato?
Tomatoes don't talk......

What did the bra say to the G-string?
I've got these two, you grab that cunt......

*edited* some wanker must have missed billy boys post & copied his joke.. :stoop: )

QUOTE (LightningChyld @ Dec 11 2003, 01:01 PM)

Another BAD Michael Jackson joke... Michael Jackson says to his wife minutes after she has given birth "How long till we can have sex?" To this she replied "For fucks sake, can't you at least wait until it can walk?"

..and ANOTHER!
=======================

Michael Jackson was in bed with his girlfriend. She turned to him and said, "Michael, are you really a paedophile?'

"Paedophile!", says Michael. "That's a big word for a 6-year old.

another...

Xmas has been cancelled. Santa has hung up the boots..
However sources say the Michael Jackson has volunteered for the job as he's more than willing to go into childrens rooms & empty his sack....

This is one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard......


A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of
the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish
each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the
first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps
His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says
"I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line
starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what
his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

HAAHAHAHAHAHAH :lol: :lol: :lol:

hehe - i love that ugly joke... must be my fav....

One day a pothead goes outside on his balcony and starts to smoke his joint. Suddenly he sees a huge fireball flying slowly through the sky. "Damn! What kind of shit was that." So he decides to smoke another one and again he sees a huge fireball flying slowly through the sky. And again "Damn! That's some good shit." "I have to see that again" and so he smokes the next one. And again a huge fireball is crossing the sky. He walks back in and asks his friend for the bottle of water. His friend says "Damn. You gotta be thirsty after three days outside on the balcony!"

QUOTE (BumbleBee @ Dec 11 2003, 02:04 PM)

One day a pothead goes outside on his balcony and starts to smoke his joint. Suddenly he sees a huge fireball flying slowly through the sky. "Damn! What kind of shit was that." So he decides to smoke another one and again he sees a huge fireball flying slowly through the sky. And again "Damn! That's some good shit." "I have to see that again" and so he smokes the next one. And again a huge fireball is crossing the sky. He walks back in and asks his friend for the bottle of water. His friend says "Damn. You gotta be thirsty after three days outside on the balcony!"

brilliant! :|)

1.How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?
10 Little piggies,
2 Calves,
1 Ass,
1 Pussy,
1 Beaver,
An unknown number of hares,
And one dead fish no one can find.

2.What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.

3.What is soft and warm when you go to bed , but hard and stiff when you wake up ?
A. Vomit

4.What do you get when you cross a nun with a PC?
A. A computer that will never go down on you.

5.How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy.

6.What is the difference between Jurassic Park and IBM?
A. One is a theme park dominated by dinosaurs, the other is a Stephen Spielberg film.

7.What do you call two skunks having a 69?
A. Odour Eaters.

8.How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.

9.Why does an elephant have four feet?
A. Because six inches isn't long enough.

10.What's the worst thing about being a test-tube baby?
A. You know your dad's a wanker.

11.How do you make a dog drink?
A. Put it in a blender.

12.Why aren't blondes good cattle herder's?
A. Because they can't keep their calves together.

13.What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

14.What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A. We really do taste like chicken!

15.How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A. The tongue's still in the envelope.

16.What's the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

17.Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup?
A: If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

18.What do you call a fish without an eye ?
A: Fsh.

19.Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not very bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F***ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f***ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f***ing McToss.er.


heheheh :|)

Ben they are gold.. My little brother will cop an earfull tonight...

CAREFUL!!!!!! -- JOKES THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO OFFEND ALMOST ANYONE!!!

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
**********************************************************************
Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia
**********************************************************************
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered
wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her
**********************************************************************
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
**********************************************************************
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
**********************************************************************
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
**********************************************************************
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
**********************************************************************
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c*nt
once in a while too.
**********************************************************************
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson? A. Acne
usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

**********************************************************************
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.
**********************************************************************
Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.
**********************************************************************
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise
doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

**********************************************************************
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
**********************************************************************
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
**********************************************************************
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
**********************************************************************

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day
in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
*********************************************************************
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
**********************************************************************
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
**********************************************************************
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Nah, I think the Billy jokes were funnier than these ones.

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Dec 11 2003, 03:30 PM)

CAREFUL!!!!!! -- JOKES THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO OFFEND ALMOST ANYONE!!!

hehehe - they are hilarious

Top 10
Drinking Symptoms


SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.


SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.


SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.


SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

Girl gets her first period at school.. The teacher says "perhaps you'd better go home..."
Girl is walking out through the palyground & sees Billy cutting class on the swings...
"I'm going home cos I'm bleeding." She says.
"Give us a look." Says Billy. She shows him and he says,
"No wonder you're bleeding... someone's cut your dick off...."


Billy and his mate want to go to the footy..
Billy - "Dad can I have some money for the footy?"
Dad - "Nup. Do what I used to do. Take a knife down to the fence at the footy. Those buggers are so lazy, they won't go to the johns, instead they hang their willy's out through the holes in the fence.. so when you see a willy poke out of the fence, grab it, hold the knife to it and threaten to cut it off... they'll pay up in no time...."
Billy & Tim get down to the footy, Billy hands Tim a knife & says "I'll start this side, you go that side & I'll meet you at the back.."
Half an hour later Billy sees Tim & says "Look at this! I've got $560 bucks! What did you get?"
Tim - "3 dicks"

20 ways to get kicked out of Lord of the Rings


1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the
hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT
PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle
Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing
off, return quietly to your seat.

4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone
says: "The Ring."

5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts

7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."

8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing,
"And I did it.... MY way...!"

9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians

10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the
neck.

12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.

13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from
the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins

15. In The Two Towers when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and
shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!"
See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude
Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around
looking terribly confused.

WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

> > Things you know because of TV...
> >
> > 1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
> > strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
> >
> > 2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
> > passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
> >
> > 3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to
> > armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying
> > beside her.
> >
> > 4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
> > bread.
> >
> > 5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is
> > someone in the control tower to talk you down.
> >
> > 6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
> > diving.
> >
> > 7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding
> > place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
> > can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
> >
> > 8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
> > will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will
> > do.
> >
> > 9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building
> > in Paris.
> >
> > 10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
> > beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
> >
> > 11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take
> > out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
> > always be the exact fare.
> >
> > 12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to
> > grow by 15cm.
> >
> > 13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to
> > visit a strip club at least once.
> >
> > 14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
> > family every morning, even though the husband and children never
> > have time to eat them.
> >
> > 15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into
> > flames.
> >
> > 16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size
> > of a football stadium.
> >
> > 17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
> >
> > 18. All single women have a cat.
> >
> > 19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
> > pant.
> >
> > 20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing
> > them all than 20 men firing at one.
> >
> > 21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
> > investigated.
> >
> > 22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings -
> > especially if any of their family or friends has died in a
> > strange boating accident.
> >
> > 23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
> > involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
> > attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
> > until you have knocked out their predecessor.
> >
> > 24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the
> > person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them
> > and talk to their back.
> >
> > 25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
> > room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
> >
> > 26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
> >
> > 27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
> > to each other.
> >
> > 28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
> > their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
> > pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks that
> > will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
> >
> > 29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their
> > son's eighth birthday.
> >
> > 30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
> > accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
> >
> > 31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
> > large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go
> > off.
> >
> > 32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building
> > you are visiting.
> >
> > 33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
> >
> > 34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
> > from duty.
> >
> > 35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
> > bump into will know all the steps

WHAT NATIONALITY WAS JESUS

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held down a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would employ him.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3 He invented a new religion.

AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Top 14 Rejected Titles For the Movie "Twister"


14. "Schindler's Twist"
13. "Four Weddings & A Funnel"
12. "A Funnel Thing Happened on the Way to The Farm"
11. "Roofless in Seattle"
10. "Field of Debris"
9. "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
8. "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"
7. "Lift and Separate"
6. "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"
5. "Dead Man Flying"
4. "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"
3. "Wizard of Oz II: The Search for Toto"
2. "Totally Gone With the Wind"
1. "The Weather Channel: The Movie"

This thread should be re-named "Think you know how to cut and paste from the net eh?"...

:w00t:

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:



ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

A T M WITHDRAWALS (MEN VS. WOMEN)

HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Leave

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because she's too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12a. Hit "cancel"
12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

There you go! There's some bedtime reading for you! ;)


I Love Jokes!!!! :|) :|) :|) :|) :|)

My friend recently got a voice-automated sound system in her car.
You load up the stacker and call out what style of music you want to hear, ie "trance" and it plays trance, "happy hard" and it plays happy hard etc.
The other week i was with her doing some shopping and she had her kids in the car and one of them spilt coke on the upholstery. Pissed as, she turns around and screams "fucking kids!". Right then the cd player cut into Billie Jean.

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The chicken, with a satisfied smile on its face, lit a cigarette. The unhappy egg said to no one in particular, "Well, that's THAT question answered!"

:|)

how to be a dj

step 1: attitude

before we get to the part on how to actually spin records on turntables, mix them and all that stuff djs do, it is of utter importance that you know what to look like doing it.

above all, it's important to look cool and relaxed at all times. not too much, however. it's a fine line, but it really matters that you look both like you don't need to pay too much attention to your craft (since you're gooood) and at the same time demonstrate just the right amount of self-involvement that says you're performing a masterpiece here and can't possibly be disturbed in your high art.

always bend over the turntable when cueing records (we'll get to how cueing works in a minute). it gives you a more concentrated air. bounce your head and torso just a little for a few seconds after having cross-faded to another record. this shows that you are 'digging' your art, and encourages your audience to do the same.

cigarettes work quite well, too, but be wary of ash on the records: frantically cleaning them because you are ruining that rare issue 12" does not look cool.

step 2: hands on the record

from here on in, i'll just assume that you have already played a few records on turntables, and know how to hit the beginning of a track with the needle. it doesn't matter whether you do, though; from now on, you'll carelessly drop the tone-arm on the record (that's right, the lift has no more use for you!), put your grabby mitts all over the record and spin it to where you need it.

in fact, that's the key part here: place your paw on the disc and spin it around a little until you have the start of a beat right under the needle. depending on your iq, the volume level on your headphones (you do have headphones, don't you? i'm talking the stylish, expensive kind) and your natural talent for this stuff, wiggling the record around a little should have you alternately hearing a bass drum kick and the very same drum spun backwards (it makes a weird sucking noise). this is called cueing.

now is about the time to get a second turntable and a cross-fader (yeah, i know you have a record under your hand. why didn't you get organized before?). oh yeah, and a record that was already spinning on said second turntable. it helps if the song has roughly the same amount of bpms. it's not like you're going to start off mixing the hardest underground techno stuff with your average downtempo lounge sound, are you? unless you were really good, but then you wouldn't be reading this in the first place.

step 3: spin that funky beat

i know that you're happy to finally have found that beat and kept it under your hand, but it's time to let it go. that's right, the very beat you have spent so much time finding must be started off at exactly the same time as the beat (or a measure, if you want it in musician-speak. i'll try to spare you that, since i don't believe you normal people know these things) on the other record does.

up until now, you have kept the headphone covering just one ear because you thought it was stylish. the truth is that you need to hear the other record blaring over the club's p.a. to know when to start the one under your hand.

close listening follows next. at first, the beats will probably sound like they are playing in unison, and you'll start to get all gibberish about your newly acquired dj skills. however, within two measures your ego will get brutally crushed as the two beats start to get out of sync and half the club starts laughing while the other half wants their money back. here's what you will do to save yourself: listen closely to find out whether the beat you're trying to mix in is slower or faster, reach to the pitch adjustment fader of your stylish turntable and adjust accordingly. then it's time to spin back and try again, until the two beats match perfectly.

step 4: reap the sweet rewards

with this done, all you need to do is slowly pull the fader over. the clubbers will keep on dancing without losing a single step, but soon great wonder and admiration will come over the faces of all the female dancers as they notice that a wholly new song is playing! and all the male dancers are admiring you, too, except that they are trying as hard as they can to keep their cool so it won't show as much. you, by the way, will now be tempted to smile or look happy and reap in the rewards of your djing, but it's not the time yet; you still need to look cool until the evening or your set is over. this is critical to your success and credibility as a dj.

this should have you all set. when walking out of the booth, i like to simply take the lager from the woman on the left and lay my arm around the one on the right; this leaves the left one in a state of shock and confusion, but is an amusing sight and let's all be honest here, one woman is more than enough hard work for one night.

:erm: did you post that in the right place? (if you meant to put it here no offence intended!)

ohh i did.. where else should i have put it???? i thought it was funny... ummm..... i confused now

jess it was some funny shit. especially the attitude part

my brain is still to fried to read that much :eyes:

MCDONALD'S APPLICATION

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
(editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy
super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

# PART 1

I was sitting at my desk one day when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is (name censored), could I please speak to Robin?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. As it happens, she had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person answered, I yelled "You're a tosser!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "tosser," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer as usual, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser!" and hang up. It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the tosser. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number and when he answered, I said "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He yelled "No!", and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a tosser!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you that if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it: Just dial 0171 823-4863.
Keep reading, it gets better!

# PART 2

An old lady at the shopping centre was really taking her time pulling out of a parking space, I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of the sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space.
I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, 'this guy's a tosser, there sure are a lot of tossers in this world'.
I noticed he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his BMW, so I wrote down the number then hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a tosser!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW laying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too.
After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is." he replied.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 182 West street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." he replied.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen." came the reply.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" I said.
"I'm home in the evenings." he replied.
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?" I asked.
"Yes sure." Don said.
I then yelled, "Don, you're a tosser!" and I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two tossers to call. After several months of calling the tossers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

# PART 3

First, I went to a pay phone and called tosser #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a tosser!", but I didn't hang up.
The tosser said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
I said, "182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
He then said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
to which I replied, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up. Then I called tosser #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, tosser!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse!" he yelled.
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, tosser!" and I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home.
I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching the two tossers kicking the crap out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Name withheld to protect the guilty :grin:

omg d&b junkie .. i just pissed myself laughing at that. (metaphorically speaking) very nice, go my son!

lmao....thats sum shizer.Well played ol chap!!

Fukin funniest thing i ever heard. .. .!

hahaha a great story...

the best ive read in a long time :thumbsup: keep it up

Sort of like the UGLY People joke, but still kind of funny!!


Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said ... "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat outta hell.

:|)

haha

maybe *cough* *wink*

simple truths
========

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

ANOTHER 40 YEARS
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come
in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well mad the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

( You'll love this!!!) ..


God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

FUN STUFF – THE STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTY

December 1...To All Employees
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

December 2...To All Employees
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

December 3...To All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money.

December 7...To All Employees
I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms. Gay staff members are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?

this is gold - something you could all relate to :lol:

What people's avatars mean

How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Caress her
Love her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Dine her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Go to the ends of the earth for her


How to Impress a Man
Show up naked
Bring beer

TRUTHS:

-A person who wears a bum bag loves science fiction, and vice versa.
-A person who wears a belt with shorts is probably religious.
-If the video box shows a beautiful woman pointing a gun, the movie is shit.
-If the flyer shows the band standing on the railroad tracks, the band is shit.
-If a guy has cords on his sunglasses, he's a dick.
-If a person says, "Go look in the sink" - don't.
-The day a person goes to the store to buy a book of word-search puzzles marks the beginning of the long, slow decline to death.
-Ugly travels in packs.
-No black person has ever used the term "Bumfuck, Egypt."
-If the letters PhD appear after a person's name, that person will remain outdoors even after it's started raining.
-Nobody cares about the weird dream you had last night.
-You CAN judge a book by its cover.
-If a man says he has a large penis, he has a small penis. If a man says he has a small penis, he has a small penis.
-If you open a shit cafe in a trendy neighborhood, people will line up with money in their hands begging to eat shit.
-Anything above 87 octane is specially formulated for suckers.
-A disabled person is courageous. There is no such thing as a crippled coward.
-People who say, "Whoa, I'm not even going to touch that one!!" can't think of anything clever to say.
-One of the main requirements for being a basketball coach is the ability to act like you just can't fucking believe it.

If you are interested in the differences between men and women.........
==================================================

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.. .

''Roger, '' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this, '' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so....''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool, '' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time, '' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes, '' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time, '' says Elaine.

''Oh, '' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger, '' she says.

''Thank you, '' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding
world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

Fill 'er up!
===========
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep.

After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

What Would You Do?
=================
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."

A lawyer named "Strange" was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"

"But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer.

"It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

Forgiveness.
===========
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady .
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

Pet Fish.
========
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" said the game warden. "Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden

The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, and I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"

The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the hillbilly. The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?" The hillbilly said, "Call who back?" "The FISH!" replied the warden. "What fish?..." answered the hillbilly.

Sometimes people designing websites just get carried away and forget to go a sanity check before going live with their sites... they are probably the same people that give their children names like Wayne King

1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist? http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone? http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen? http://www.powergenitalia.com

Van nuyen and the bali nine are gona open a surf shop, hang ten!!

they r thinking about bringing out a new beer call nuyen it only comes in longneck!

This post has been edited by dj corrosive: Dec 19 2005, 07:43 PM

History Test.
============
A grade 9 history test question: Give the number of automobiles produced in America during the year of your choice. My answer? 1806: none.

Clutter.
=======
It arose one morning from the bowels of my desk, a formless mass that spread and covered itself over anything I was looking for.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I am Clutter," the mass answered, "and I am here to confound your life. I am the things you refuse to throw out though you haven't used them in six years, the miscellaneous papers, phone numbers, business cards, and things you accumulate and don't put away. I am the inevitable manifestation of your sloppiness. I am Clutter."

I grabbed Clutter and moved it from one end of the desk to the other.

Clutter chortled. That's my favourite pastime. Moving from one end of the desk to the other.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"To frustrate you, I will resist all attempts to remove me, reduce me, or otherwise eliminate me. It's my purpose to hide whatever important piece of paper you need, whichever phone number you must call."

"I'm throwing you out," I stormed.

Clutter shook his untidy mass sadly, as in pity. "Not without looking through me to see if there's anything you really need," Clutter answered.

"The odds are slim, but you won't take that chance. And while you're sorting through me, I'll re-form in another pile."

"But you'll be smaller, more manageable."

"Not really. You'll decide to keep 90% of me, as you always do. And soon, new papers, numbers, documents will gather, making me more obstructive than ever."

"You won't ruin my life, Clutter! I'll start a filing system! Put a bit of you where you belong."

Clutter gazed at me contemptuously. "The last time you tried that, you created my cousins, Chaos and Disorder. It'll never work."

Clutter had me and I knew it. Attempts in the past to file things alphabetically had only created 26 piles of mess instead of one. I was desperate, so I decided to bluff. "I'll take a time management course," I threatened. Clutter quite rightly ignored my remark. I wasn't dealing with an idiot, after all.

"Then I'll buy a computer and store you on my floppy disks!"

"And within a month your disk-filing system will be in total disarray, plus you'll have another pile of papers waiting to be entered onto disks. Face it, you can't win."

Exasperated, I ran to the closet. "I'm getting some air."

Clutter had been to the closet before me. Shoes were scattered, shirts were unhung, and clumps of pants and underwear lay strewn next to towels and a lawn chair. Socks congealed in small piles, looking like the waste product of some nylon-eating monster. Cliff notes from A Tale of Two Cities lay atop the heater.

"Clutter," I yelled. "You have crippled my productivity for the last time. No longer will I be late, no more will I miss appointments, never again shall I be overwhelmed by your size and withdraw into reading old magazines. I am going out to the store to buy a paper shredder."

I looked around for a long moment. "Now where did I leave my keys?"

Clutter burped.

New Crew.
========
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five women.

The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the female crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labour.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'? Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the females. "They only put the pole in halfway!"

Same work, Different Pay?
========================
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, being somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Dr. DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take the valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris: "Try doing your work with the engine running."

25 Comebacks to the Question "Why aren't you married Yet?"

========================================================

1. You haven't asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. What? And spoil my great sex life?

4. Nobody would believe me in white.

5. Because I just love hearing this question.

6. Just lucky, I guess.

7. It gives my mother something to live for.

8. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.

9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14. I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren't you thin?

24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Buy A Mac.
=========
I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

Thanks to the Government.
========================
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

lame

why is 6 scared of 7 ?

because 7 8 9

:P

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

Rejected ipods

Pasted from a community i was in years ago,


They’re back.



Some twit has decided they didn’t have enough coins on hand to purchase another stick mag and tub of Vaseline recently, so they thought to themselves, that rather than getting a job or being happy with what they have, they would become a criminal genius and milk millions of dollars from an unsuspecting population.

Now, the problem this person has is quite a major hindrance to being a criminal genius, I'm fairly sure a pre-requisite to being a criminal genius... is being a genius.

Sending out an e-mail with over 200 assorted spelling and grammar mistakes in it will not get you into MENSA, nor will it fool anyone other than other dick-heads that think they’re criminal genius's.

To counter this new plague of stupidity I propose we change the abortion laws; they will have the trimester period for termination increased to the 300th trimester.

I'd also recommend that the parents of these children be sterilized if they have created two or more of these idiotic children.

If you don't agree with me now... read the following e-mail.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello!

My name is Laura Southwell and I am the manager of a Human Recourses department of Swiss Invest company.

The purpose of this message is to draw Your attention to a vacant position of a financial manager for cooperation with private individuals.

But first of all - a few words about our company.
Swiss Invest Ltd was founded in 1994. Our specialists grant services of purchase and sale, privatization, brokering and dealer transactions on stock exchange. We handle financial agency on equity market, using a great variety of investment instruments. Moreover we can conduct a private survey on stock market upon client's request.
Professionalism and conscientiousness of our company enables us to attract a large number of clients. Nowadays Swiss Invest firmly holds a position of a leading company on European equity market , which ensures our stable development.

So today, we are glad to offer You to:
- become a part of our company
- join a team of high qualified specialists
- get a prestigious part time job
- earn a good deal

In order to become our financial manager for cooperation with private individuals You ARE NOT OBLIGED TO HAVE ANY HIGHER OR PROFESSIONAL EDUCATION. You will just be supposed to:
- have approximately 2 free hours a day
- have a bank account (or to be able to open a new one, especially for company needs)
- have a PC

YOUR PARTICIPATION IS ESSENTIAL TO enable us to grant our clients the best service in shortest dates.
YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES will be:

- to receive payments for the ordered stocks and bonds from the Swiss Invest clients (private individuals) to Your bank account
- to withdraw the funds and to transfer it further to our brokers in one of the countries where the desirable stocks and bonds should be bought
The transfer should be done by the means of Western Union or money Gram services to fasten the process of the delivery of the funds. Your SALARY is 8% commission out of every deposit that You receive on Your bank account.

If you are interested in the vacancy offered , please get some more detailed information on the following E-mail address:

contact@swis-invest-ltd.com

Our managers will be glad to answer any questions.

We are looking forward to working with You!
I am sorry if this letter has been sent to You by mistake. In that case, please be so kind to delete it.
Yours faithfully Laura Southwell

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A
STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE
OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A
VIBRATOR.

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER
REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS
ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND
LEAVE ME ALONE." THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME
BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON
ENTERING THE ROOM,HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO
HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:

"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." A
COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE
COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND
OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER,
AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH,
BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?' THE HUSBAND
REPLIED I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON IN LAW'.

I don't have a joke - but I have this quote which is quite funny "My car sucks, the brakes do not brake, the accelerator will not accelerate and the pistons will not piss"

was cruising down Prospect Road yesterday when I noticed a new contender in the run up to the state election….. the “ No Rodeo Cruelty Party” nominating for the upper house LOL

I wonder what policies they will have, what platform will they use to generate public interest in their policies, would their party mascot be a smiling horse or bull escaping clowns or cowboys brandishing whips?

a classic!

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Daryl is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day, when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off. Daryl slams on the brakes and yells, "Shazza what in the blazes d'ya think ya doin'?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'Day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gunna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Shazza", he says "Fair dinkum love, not only are ya a top root, but you're a real sport too!" and drives off...

A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself,

"This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,

"Constable, what's the hold up?"

The constable replies,

"It's Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla & Joseph to Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel 9 losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.”

”He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market.”

”We're taking up a collection for him."

The driver looks surprised and asks,
"Oh, really? How much have you got so far?"

The constable replies,
"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

had a rip roaring argument with a client late last night at the office, today she rings up and asks if im having a better day to today

cheeky bitch :|)

Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn


1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, he WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

How To Write Good


Always avoid alliteration.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid clichés like the plague -- they're old hat.

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions aren't necessary.

Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.

Avoid archaeic spellings too.

Understatement is always best.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

One word- sentences? Eliminate. Always!

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice should not be used.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors -- even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary.

Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.

Never use a big word where a diminutive alternative would suffice.

Subject and verb always has to agree.

Be more or less specific.

Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.

Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errers.

Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.

Don't be redundant.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Don't never use no double negatives.

Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Eschew obfuscation.

No sentence fragments.

Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

The adverb always follows the verb.

And always be sure to finish what

Did you hear about the two baked beans travelling around Australia????

The ended up in cans...

he he he

Ancient Chinese Torture!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

lol@the "Ancient Chinese Torture!" joke! :P

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff like beer and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.
.
.
.
.
.
I don't think she's coming back.

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles?
A: Sparky.

wats the best time to goto a dentist?

2:30.

haha.e.a herr.... um! :eyes:

Just reading a invoice here for a chemist i am working for.
On the invoice is Lubricating jelly and the product code is C/UNT14 i had a good chuckle..

"one plus one is a window"

havn heard that one in a while

neither had I till I said it

The sad passing of common sense

We mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

pussycat dolls eat your heart out.... literally

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7...pussy+cat+dolls

sorry for double post

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5305279580707421379

Irish Gag
======
An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

In the year 2006, The Lord came to Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and I have determined to make an end of all flesh. Build an Ark and save two of every living thing along with your family." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before it will start the raining for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his Yard, but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood Home Owners' Association zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Planning and Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, overpasses and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local Trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Civil Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No", said the Lord. "The Government is doing it for me."

this one goes out to all the other I.T geeks in RA Land :lol:

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work.
"Guess what," says the first IT guy. "Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in this bar."
"What did you do?" asked the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got
into the mood and then she asked me to take her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" exclaimed the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and I lifted her and put her on my desk next to
my new laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop?"

I totally do not do that.... well maybe sometimes :blush:

Broom Factory.
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice that she's going to quit. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, "But why?" He asked.
"Nothing, I just want to quit that's all." She said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a rise."
"No." She said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." Said the girl, she took off her underwear and point to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't got this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!!" The girl cried with a sob, "I can't wait two weeks, I gonna quit now, not only you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."

I was reading a clients "disclaimer" in their email signature today

This message does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself,
my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote
me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this message
freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to
change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show
detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is
unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer
under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not
bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no
substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this message is void
where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; message
is provided "as is" without any warranties; reader assumes full
responsibility; an equal opportunity message; no shoes, no shirt, no
message; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are
discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an
authorized service centre; read at your own risk; parental advisory -
explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may
find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from
sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family
please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to
win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are
included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added;
slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for
your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken; call before you
dig; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use
only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue
reading; read only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures
and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact
with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture,
incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Celsius; do not place near a
flammable or magnetic source; smoking this message could be hazardous to
your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use
of a condom; no salt, MSG, artificial colour or flavouring added; if
ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a
physician; message are ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for
early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating sites; slightly
higher west of Sydney; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18
to read; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood,
tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other
Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line
voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred
cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation
from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that
are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash,
ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the
item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire,
or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows,
bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions
of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other
restrictions may apply

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you
can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you...
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an
entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f*cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney" ...

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.
Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney.

Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split, “he has been my crutch for so long.”

She said in an earlier briefing, “I have no idea why this has happened. I'm stumped. ”

"She’s running around in circles", according to a close friend, “she will need all the support she can get, its not easy to walk out on a relationship like this.”

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement has been signed it is believed that Mills-McCartney wont have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. “She’s terrible” a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was to blame. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless. "

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.

Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says she’ll buy her own Immac for the other leg!


------------------------------------------------------

To celebrate (or grieve), Sir Paul McCartney penned -

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river



------------------------------------------------------

Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A The McCartneys



These jokes are funny but at Sir Paul's expense. Please spare a thought for Sir Paul . Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.

Two buddies, Dave and Brett, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Brett throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Roz will
kill me!"

Dave says, "Don't worry, Mate, just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket, tell Roz that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually, Brett rolls into home and Roz starts to give him a bad
time.

You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"Speaking very carefully so as not to
slur, he says:
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think.
I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd
had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he
was very sorry an' gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Roz looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
bucks."

Oh, yeah... I almosh' forgot" says Brett, "he sh*t in my pants, too."

Rugby Quotes - the repository of the true intellectual

"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Rodney So'ialo - Hurricanes - on University

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker."

David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."

"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray Mexted)

"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)

"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Murray Mexted)

"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Phil Waugh Warratah)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins)

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Tony Brown)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."(Anton Oliver)

"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)

Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Tana Umaga: "On what ?"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."(Murray Mexted)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."(Murray Mexted)

Q: Why are pirates pirates?










A: Cos they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

*runs*

:shear:

why is a pirate a pirate

cause you are what you ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


*runs with kristen* :shear:

Why Men Are Happier Than Women


1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when were talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We dont have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can do our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes

lmfao gee thanx :P have we ever met? probably could fit into a bra though

we have, at anthems shows.. Toby says you have nice boobs too.

heheh :wub: but ive never been to an Anthems show ;) Toby trys to cop a feel every day. haha

hhhmm i was sure we'd met, Toby usually introduces me to all his boyfriends.. he must really like you.... keeping you to himself.


anyway... I'm FUNNY!!!!


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf Ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q . Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch.

lol, nah havent been out with the mr mich before. saw him at summer enchanted but that was about it. things are gonna change soon though, we can be spaz together

hahah well there ya have it. we have met. well sorta any wayz. i didnt really know Toby that well back then.

any wayz, back on topic........

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

Dihydrogen Monoxide
==============
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Hunting
=====
A Newfie is invited to his friend's cottage for the weekend, to hunt.
The first night, they stay up until the wee hours, drinking and playing cards.
The next morning, the Newfie is raring to go, of course, but his Ontarian host is much the worse for wear. After finding himself unable to even face a cup of coffee, the host finally says "I just can't do it, I'm too hung over.
Tell you what, you take my gun and my dogs and go out hunting by yourself."
Much to his surprise, the Newfie is back in less than an hour. "What happened???" the host asks.
"Ran out of dogs..." answers the Newfie.

The Accident
========
A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he read it.
On the paper is written:
As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company.
But I'm not...

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there.

He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Dang!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can retrieve some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of guys come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Ned goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Boris home?" asks Ned. "No, he went to the store." replied the wife. "Well, you mind if I wait?" asks Ned. "No, come in." responds the wife. They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sue, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sue thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Ned says, "They are so beautiful. I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sue thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Ned a nice long look. Ned thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Boris arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Ned came over." Boris thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"

Two couples go away for the weekend. The two blokes, Jack and Bill, try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks they succeed. Jack knows it’s that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agree that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times they did it with each other’s wife. Clever enough! The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon three times against his mug. After pausing to gather his thoughts, Bill takes his teaspoon, taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the Nutella.

The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly. He called in one of the altar boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute. The priest gave him a list of sins and penance. "Just match them up," he says. The first women confessed to giving the neighbour a blowjob and anal sex. These weren't on the list, so the altar boy asked another altar boy, "What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?" "He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda."

A man and a woman are getting ready for a night out, while the husband is
showering his wife is in front of the mirror looking at her body
"I wish I had bigger breasts" she complained
"if you do what I tell you, I can make that happen" the bloke said
"if you rub a piece of toilet paper between your breasts for 10 minutes a
day, eventually your breasts will be bigger"
"how do you know that" she asked
"worked for your ass didn't it?"

there was an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many kids her uterus fell out

from the classiest comedian of all time- rodney rude

"So I'm on this picnic and all of a sudden I hear a woman scream 'HELP! HELP! A BEE JUST FLEW UP INTO MY VAGINA! SOMEBODY GET IT OUT, IT'S BUZZIN ROUND!' Now usually I'm a man of action but this had me fucked. But then it came to me! what I'll do is I'll rub me self up HAAAAAAAALF a semi, spread a bit of honey on the end of me flange, stick it in her vagina the bee will hop on n I can fuck off home. So I rubbed me self up HAAAAAAAALF a mongrel, spread a bit of honey on the end of me flange, put it into her vagina and started pumpin away!
She said "WHADDAYA THINK YA DOIN?!" I said "HE'S NOT TAKIN THE BAIT I'M GONNA HAF TA SHOOT THE BASTARD!"

from the classiest comedian of all time- rodney rude

This post has been edited by obliviuss: Jul 25 2006, 12:09 PM

Now when my grandfather was 16 his grandfather took him to a brothel. He said to the girl I want you to give my grandson here his first sexual experience, I want you to give him a 69er. so they're in the 69 position an this girl rips a fart that'd knock ya teeth out! my grandfather jumps up n fucks off yellin "FUCKED IF I'M HANGIN ROUND FOR ANOTHER SIXTY-EIGHT OF THOSE!"

from the classiest comedian of all time- rodney rude

u cant beat a true story (this is bout 2 years old)


This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney
University.

It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances,
to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party,
was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said "F--- you!".
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade as if
nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest
wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends.............$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion.............................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui......................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man................................................Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD

This may be a bit politicaly incorrect so I appologise in advance..hehe

What do retards and slinkys have in common?

They both look funny when falling down stairs

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to
her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at
the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell
you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe
with a hood put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop
up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself
to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes,
he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

yes. i do.

liquid snake, was that a lame attempt at being funny?

COS IT WASN'T!

An aboriginal walks into the local Centrelink office
in Broome, marches straight up to the counter and mumbles, "'ey, you falla.... I don't wanna be on dole. I wanna job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around  in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $60,000 a year."



The aboriginal bloke says, "You're bullshitting me!"



The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it."

“Don’t laugh, your daughter is in the back”

graffiti on the side of a clapped out Kombi van seen earlier today

A skinny little Irish guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE blackguy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private,3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,Turner Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, by shaking him and asks,
"What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall,I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds,and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!'"

I went to the zoo the other day. All they had was a dog.

It was a Shitzu




Q. Why does Tarzan always get lost?

A. Cos jungle is massive!


bwahaha *cough*

thanks for those jokes from 1995 ben

Two young female Port Power supporters walk into a David Jones store,
walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Shazza sprays it on her wrist and smells it:

"That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Cheryl?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi."
"VIENS A MOI, what the fark does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is
French for "come to me".

Shazza takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl, saying, "That
doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you,
Cheryl?"

- A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....

I was in Woolworths buying a large bag of Lucky Dog for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Lucky Dog Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Lucky Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

... love it .. you pass the funny test

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are things
People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
Published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place:

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
Forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
He doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
Notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
People?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
Autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
Pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
Began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

What do you call a raver in a filing cabinet?


SORTED!!

hehehehe

474 Things To Do When You're Bored


- Wax the ceiling
- Rearrange political campaign signs
- Sharpen your teeth
- Play Houdini with one of your siblings
- Braid your dog's hair
- Clean and polish your belly button
- Water your dog...see if he grows
- Wash a tree
- Knight yourself
- Name your child Edsel
- Scare Stephen King
- Give your cat a mohawk
- Purr
- Mow your carpet
- Play Pat Boone records backwards
- Vacuum your lawn
- Sleep on a bed of nails
- DON'T toss and turn
- Boil ice cream
- Run around in squares
- Think of quadruple entendres
- Speak in acronyms
- Have your pillow X-rayed
- Drink straight shots...of water
- Calmly have a nervous breakdown
- Give your goldfish a perm
- Fly a brick
- Play tag...on West 35th Street
- Exorcise a ghost
- Exercise a ghost
- Be blue
- Be red
- But don't be orange
- Plant a shoe
- Sweat
- Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
- Turn
- Write a letter to Plato
- Mail it
- Take your sofa for a walk
- Start
- Stop
- Dial 911 and breathe heavily
- Go to a funeral...tell jokes
- Play the piano...with mittens on
- Scheme
- Sit
- Stay
- Water your family room
- Cause a power failure
- Roll over
- Play dead
- Find a witch
- Burn her
- Donate your brother's body to science
- Ask why
- Wriggle
- Regress
- Sleepwalk without sleeping
- Try to join Hell's Angels by mail
- Wonder
- Be a square root
- Ask stupid questions
- Weld your car doors shut
- Spew
- Vacation at Three-Mile Island
- Surf Ohio
- Teach your pet rock to play dead
- Go bowling for small game
- Be a monk...for a day
- Wear a sweatband to your wedding
- Staple
- Run away
- Intimidate a piece of chalk
- Abuse the plumbing
- Bend a florescent light
- Bend a brick
- Annoy total strangers
- Let the best man win
- Believe in Santa Claus
- Throw marshmallows against the wall
- Hold an ice cube as long as possible
- Adopt strange mannerisms
- Blow up a balloon until it pops
- Sing soft and sweet and clear
- Sing loud and sour and gravely
- Open everything
- Balance a pencil on your nose
- Pour milk in your shoes
- Write graffiti under the rug
- Embarrass yourself
- Grind your teeth
- Chew ice
- Count your belly button
- Sit in a row
- Stack crumbs
- Gesture
- Save your toenail clippings
- Make a pass at your blender
- Punt
- Make up words that start with X
- Make oatmeal in the bathtub
- Search for the Lost Chord
- Chew on a sofa cushion
- Sing a duet
- Balance a pillow on your head
- Hold your breath
- Faint
- Stretch
- Flash your mailman
- Teach your TA English
- Learn to speak Farsi
- Swear in Russian
- Use an eraser until it goes away
- Disassemble your car
- Put it together inside out
- Record your walls
- Interview your feet
- Make a list of your favorite fungi
- Sell formaldehyde
- Repeat
- Ad lib
- Fade
- File your teeth - Whine
- Rake your carpet
- Re-elect Richard Nixon
- Critique "Three's Company"
- Listen to a painting
- Play with matches
- Buff your cat
- Race ferrets
- Paint your house...Day-Glow Orange
- Have a formal dinner at White Castle
- Read Homer in the original Greek
- Learn Greek
- Change your mind
- Change it back
- Watch the sun...see if it moves
- Build a pyramid
- Stand on your head
- Stand on someone else's head
- Spit shine your Nikes
- See how long you can stay awake
- See how long you can sleep
- Paint your teeth
- Wear a salad
- Speak with a forked tongue
- Paint stripes on a lake
- Ski Kansas
- Sleep in freefall
- Kill a Joule
- Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
- Apply for a unicorn hunting license
- Do a good job
- Crawl
- Invite the Mansons over for dinner
- Paint your windows
- Watch a watch until it stops
- Flash your goldfish
- Paint
- Flirt with an evergreen
- Smile
- Rotate your garden...daily
- Paint a smile
- Shoot a fire hydrant
- Apologize to it
- Pretend you're blind
- Annoy yourself
- Get mad at yourself
- Stop speaking to yourself
- Be a side effect
- Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley
- Duck
- Redecorate...your garage
- Develop a complex
- Join the Army...be someone simple
- Try harder
- Hit the deck
- Put leg-warmers on your furniture
- Cut the deck
- Crumple
- Translate Shakespeare into English
- Skydive to church
- Cheer up a potato
- Do aerobic exercises...in your head
- Play cards with your swimming pool
- Pinstripe your driveway
- Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
- Harness chipmunk power
- Build a house with ice cubes
- Call London for a cab
- Mug a stop sign
- Change your name...daily
- Go for a walk in your attic
- Challenge your neighbor to a duel
- Build a house out of toothpicks
- Howl
- Wear a lampshade on your head
- Memorize the dictionary
- Stomp grapes in the bathtub
- Find a bug and chase it
- Make yourself a pair of wings
- Be immobile
- Dance 'til you drop
- Check under chairs for chewing gum
- Squish a loaf of bread
- Moo
- Bounce a potato
- Outmaneuver your shadow
- Climb the walls
- Appreciate everything
- Challenge yourself to a duel
- Make napalm
- Tattoo your dresser
- Watch a bowling ball
- Buy some diapers
- Eat everything
- Begin
- Pour milk in the sink
- Make cottage cheese
- Tie-dye your sheets
- Carpet your ceiling
- Hold your earlobes
- Fold your earlobes
- Flap
- Squawk
- Read tea leaves
- Analyze the Koran
- Be Buddha
- Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
- Plug in the cat
- Turn on everything
- Drop pebbles down the chimney
- Turn off your neighbor
- Kill a plant
- Buy a 1931 Almanac
- Memorize the weather section
- Think lewd thoughts about yourself
- Blow bubbles
- Send chills down your spine
- Peel grapes
- Make paper from the skins
- Bloat
- Catch them with your radiator
- Get run over by a train of thought
- Make up famous sayings
- Bite your pinkie - Get your dog braces
- Shave a shrub
- Have a proton fight
- Watch a car rust
- Quiver
- Rotate your carpet
- Learn to type...with your toes
- Set up your Christmas tree in April
- Be someone special
- Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
- Mail it to a friend
- Go back to square one
- Factor your social security number
- Take the fifth
- Memorize a series of random numbers
- Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
- Join the Foreign Legion
- Learn Sanskrit
- Exist...existentially, of course
- Print counterfeit Confederate money
- Kick a cabbage
- Take a picture
- Put it back
- Sandpaper a mushroom
- Play solitaire...for cash
- Abuse your patio furniture
- Run for Pope
- Count to a million...fast
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
- Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
- Revert
- Think shallow thoughts
- Starch your shoes
- Polish your Calvin's
- Contemplate a cockroach
- Get a dog to chase your car
- Let him catch it
- Investigate the Czar
- Form a political party
- Climb a sidewalk
- Have a political party
- Get diagonal...with a good friend
- Ride a loaf of bread
- Sharpen a carrot
- Interrogate a gerbil
- Go bow hunting for Toyotas
- Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
- Jump back
- Play to lose
- Scalp a street light
- Have your car painted...plaid
- Read a tomato
- Sharpen your sleeping skills
- Watch a game show...take notes
- Put out a fire
- If you can't find a fire, make one
- Interview a cloud
- Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
- Play basketball...in a minefield
- Don't talk to things
- Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling
- Have your cat bronzed
- Have your gerbil gilded
- Write books about writing books
- Create random equations
- Mispell words
- Tell your feet a joke
- Throw a tomato into a fan
- Sing the ABC song backwards
- Pretend you're a dog
- Dial-a-prayer and argue with it
- Grease the doorknobs
- String up a room
- Stack furniture
- Relive fond memories
- Tie your shoelaces together
- Gargle
- Count your teeth with your tongue
- Decay
- Find your half-life
- Design a better toilet seat
- Shred a newspaper
- Have a headache
- Scratch
- Sniff
- Hatch an egg
- Play air guitar
- Act profound
- Spill
- Spell
- Stare
- Truncate
- Slouch
- Develop hearing problems
- Put your feet behind your head
- Tie bows in everything
- Hold your hand
- Watch the minute hand move
- Grow your fingernails
- Pretend you're a telephone
- Ring
- Radiate
- Skip
- Play hopscotch...with real scotch
- Clock the velocity of your REMs
- Put your shoes on the opposite feet
- Cross your toes
- Roll your tongue
- Crystallize
- Baby oil the floor
- Hide
- Attack innocent bunnies
- Declare war
- Destroy a tree
- Hide the scrabble bag
- Seduce your stick shift
- Wink
- Memorize the periodic table
- Mummify
- Pretend you're a roadie
- Buy a Ginsu knife
- Collect electrons
- Correct typos that aren't there
- Polish your neck...use Pledge
- Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God
- Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car
- Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
- Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes
- Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture
- Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
- Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
- Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother
- Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong
- Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
- Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
- Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
- Walk on water...but don't get caught
- Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
- Be in the wrong place at the right time
- Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
- Request covert assistance from the CIA
- Discover the source of the Mississippi
- Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska
- Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes
- Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is
- Drink as much prune juice as you can
- Write a book about your previous life
- Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
- Jump up and down...on your alarm clock
- Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
- Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels
- Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow
- Drive the speed limit...in your garage
- Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
- Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna
- Pay off the national debt...with a bad check
- Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people
- Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas
- Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
- Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster
- See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
- Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
- Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good
- job they're doing...On April 1st
- Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
- Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them
- Turn your TV picture tube upside down
- Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
- Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
- Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
- Be planar...but don't tell your parents
- Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck
- Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed
- Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed
- Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
- Debate politics with a fern
- See how small you can scrunch your face - Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis
- Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
- Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
- Raise professional certified racing turnips
- Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
- Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.
- Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
- Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
- Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first
- Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
- Send your goldfish to obedience school
- Free the oppressed toasters of America
- Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
- Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
- Park your car...with a friend
- Park your car...with a group of friends
- Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
- Place it on the wall of your office
- Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)
- Contribute to the population problem
- Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign
- Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
- Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
- Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway
- Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
- Play with anything that looks interesting
- Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
- See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
- Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work
- Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up
- State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
- Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
- Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like
- See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house
- Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
- See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
- Bronze your sister's turtle
- See how long it takes for her to notice
- See what she does when she notices
- Bronze your sister- If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
- Increase your territorial holdings by force
- Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat
- Boldly go where no man has gone before
- Be a threat to the American way of life
- Do research into the cause of World War III
- Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
- Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh

Things you probably don't want to know...

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. (That's about 2.5 ounces)

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 26 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.