Funny Lists

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2004 WHEN:

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial a "0" to
get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You spend more time looking at your monitor than your kids or family.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
bes t jokes.
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff, and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World Countries'
annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience terminates the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new laptop with all the latest features, but
you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department
desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants
advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it by email to
your "friends".
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to email you jokes.
25. . . . you're too busy to notice that there was no no. 9

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY


Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing

Things you wish you could say at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.

3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

20. No, my powers can only be used for good.

21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.

23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

QUOTE (ballby @ Mar 15 2004, 12:59 AM)

Things you wish you could say at work 2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.

hahahahaha

That is so me

A T M WITHDRAWALS (MEN VS. WOMEN)

HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Leave

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because she's too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12a. Hit "cancel"
12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

50 Things To Do If You're Really Bored>

1. Get your friends stoned/drunk/etc. Start saying things to them like, "Can a boulder eat the English Parliament?" and take note of their reaction.

2. Bring a dictionary to a restaurant. Begin reading out the definitions of highly infectious diseases, preferably ones that can be caught from eating food. Laugh occasionally.

3. Stand on a street corner holding a sign that says, "Will not work for food." Laugh and point at people as they drive by.

4. Put on a suit. Put a nametag in the pocket. Go to McDonald's/ Taco Bell/etc. Occasionally tap a customer on the shoulder and say, "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave. We don't serve your kind here."

5. Run around the mall with a broom between your legs, humming the music of "The Wicked Witch" from the Wizard of Oz.

6. Fill your backpack with empty beer cans and go to the mall. Act incredibly drunk. If security comes after you, cry for your mother.

7. Walk into a prestigious law firm, wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Walk up to the secretary and say, "Hi, I'm so-and-so. I'm your new boss."

8. Walk into a Taco Bell and say, "Hey! What's all this taco crap doing here?!? What happened to all the burgers and fries?!?"

9. Pretend you're blind. Sit at a bus stop playing with a Rubix Cube.

10. Stick a banana in your ear. If people ask why there's a banana in your ear, say, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. There's a cucumb- what the hell?!? Where's my cucumber?!?"

11. Bring a toy helicopter to the mall. Run around with it, humming the theme from "Airwolf". Occasionally stage near-misses with other patrons to the mall.

12. Go to a restaurant and order a bowl of croutons. If they refuse, start to cry. If they still refuse, storm out of the restuarant, screaming about the horrible service. If they do bring you a bowl of croutons, scream, "What the hell is this crap?!?"

13. Try to get arrested. Ask if you're going to be on "Cops". When they say no, say, "You mean, I did that all for nothing?" Threaten to sue.

14. Go to the mall. Start asking people if they have a spare family, because you "lost yours in a sandstorm." Ask if you could borrow THEIR family.

15. Drive around until you see a hitchhiker. Pull up next to him/her. Ask him/her, "Is your name jell-O?" When they say no, say, "Too bad, 'cause there's always room for jell-o!"

16. Call a random number. Tell them that you want to make a prank call, but you don't have any good ideas. Ask them for suggestions. If you get any, call them a minute later and try out some of those suggestions, except screw them up. If they don't give any suggestions, say, "Oh, sure, you just want to keep all the good ideas to yourself!" and hang up.

17. Get some headphones with no player, and leave the hook-up dangling clearly down in front of you. Start head-banging and "singing along".

18. Go into an elevator, and start dancing to the muzak. Also works in grocery/department stores.

19. Get a yo-yo. Go to the mall and let it drag on the ground behind you as you walk. Tell people that you're just "walking the dog."

20. Walk around in a restaurant, occasionally pointing to other peoples' food and saying, "Are you gonna eat that?"

21. Go to the mall. Start following someone around. Be as obvious as possible. If they leave the mall, pull up your shirt collar and whisper into it.

22. Go to the mall. Pick a random person and say, "Do you know who I am?!?" When they say no, say, "Well, I know who YOU are..." and walk away, chuckling.

23. Call a random number. In a demented, gritty voice, say, "Do you like funny movies? Oh, wait.... umm... can I start over?" Panic, and then hang up.

24. Stand on top of a manhole cover in the middle of the street. If anyone asks you what you're doing, say, "I have to stand here... otherwise, IT will escape!!" Stumble a little as if the cover shook.

25. Walk around with a cape on. Whenever someone comes too close, wave them away. Say things like "I have not given you leave to address me," or "Do you think that I associate with your ilk?"

26. Stage a riot around a gumball machine.

27. Walk door-to-door, saying you're from the Soul Collection Agency, and ask if anybody in the house has a soul. If the answer is yes, demand to have the soul.

28. Go to a church with red makeup on your whole body, little horns on your head, and a pitchfork. Tell people there that you're the new preacher.

29. Wander around, wringing your hands, saying "...At night, the Ice Weasels come..." or the like.

30. Get a trenchcoat. Stuff several rolls of Charmin under it. Ask random people, "Is Mr. Wipple around?" If they say yes, grab their arm and say, "Follow me!" If they say no, hand them a roll and say, "Squeeze with me! Quick!"

31. Set up a table in front of a supermarket. Whenever someone comes out, ask, "How many cockroaches did you see in there?" If they reply "None",
say, "Oh, so they're hiding them better now, huh?" Scribble in a notebook.

32. Put on a jumpsuit and carry around a pilot's helmet. If someone asks why you're dressed like that, say, "Because... I'm the last starfighter!!!"

33. Hold drawn-out discussions with the drinking fountain.

34. Think of all the people that you'd like to see in a clown outfit.

35. Go around to all the newspaper machines. Put a single quarter in, and take out all the newspapers. Leave them lying on top of the machine. Put a little sign on top that says, "Newspapers, $1".

36. Carry around a sign that says "Crack for Sale". If you're stopped by the authorities, say, "Dammit! He told me this said 'Eat at Joe's'!"

37. Go to an internet chat room. Type in "If you're happy and you know it, press 9." Start pressing 9 repeatedly.

38. Attach a piece of paper with little holes in it to your pants, so that it dangles down in front of your crotch. When people ask what it is, say, "It's braille."

39. Make a big sign that says "It's my birthday and I have no money". Walk around in the mall with it, and see what happens.

40. Chug seventeen sodas. Don't burp. Explode.

41. Try to create life using only lighter fluid and jelly beans.

42. See how many cheese-puffs you can shove up your nose.

43. See how many cheese-puffs you can shove up other peoples' noses. Without permission.

44. Start a religious cult. Have all your followers commit suicide. Laugh at them when they do.

45. Go to the mall parking lot. Take all the little antenna balls on all the cars, and put them all on the most expensive car in the lot.

46. Get a stapler. Hold people up with it. Tell them that you have "an itchy staple finger".

47. Carve a life-size replica of the US capital building out of butter.

48. Bring a camcorder to the mall. Jump in front of random people and scream, "Smile!! You're on candid camera!!!"

49. Go scuba diving in the ponds on golf courses.

50. Buy a gallon of ice cream. Smear it all over your face, your hands, your clothes. Go back to the store and complain about "Ice Cream Bombs".

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret
10 Does this come in children's sizes?
09 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
07 Mom will love this.
06 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
05 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
04 Will you model this for me???
03 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
02 Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in
Victoria's Secret:

01 Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!

X-MAS CAROLS FOR THE PHYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED



SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

26 THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator

Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura

Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

Fart loudly then exclaim "Not I said the wolf. There's no way I could do that one because unfortunately mine don't come out loud."

Jump up and down then look at the floor and shout "let go you bastard"

Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."

Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction

“SEX & YOUR NAMEâ€?

It seems to run true! According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first letter of your first name. What do you think? (Those of you with names that start with "N" will probably wish it started with "K"!!)

A- You aren’t particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting & can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure & subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, its action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate’s physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase & challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate & sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined & dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered & know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments & particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite & abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations & experiences. You are willing to experiment.

C- You are a very social individual & it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness & togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during & after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable & good looking. You see your lover as a friend & companion. You are very sexual & sensual, needing someone to appreciate & almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are
an expert at controlling your desires & doing without.

D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing & caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal & intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive & jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric & unusual, having a free & open mind.

E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you’re not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover & a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony & disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

F- You are idealistic & romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual & privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant & gallant. You are a born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G- You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself & your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior & one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous & know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties & responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

H- You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation & earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending & dating habits & equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual & patient lover.

I- You have a great need to be loved, appreciated, even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality & pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy & exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment & try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily & thus require sexual adventure & change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love & are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences & partners, provided it’s all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining & dining to know that you're being appreciated.

K- YOU ARE FUCKING MARVELLOUS!

L- You are very romantic, idealistic & somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful & dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize & get turned on by movies & magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

M- You are emotional & intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming & crave someone who is equally passionate & intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything & everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

N- YOU ARE CRAP IN BED!

O- You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive & shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money &/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity & are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment & try new ways of doing things. You are very social & sensual; you enjoy flirting & need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q- You require constant activity & stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover & tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts & flowers & lots of conversation to turn you on & keep you going.

R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you & who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S- You are secretive, self-contained & shy. You are very sexy, sensual & passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game & take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

T- You are very sensitive, private & sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights & romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in & out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy & extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses & your feelings stimulated, titillated & teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often all in your own head.

U- You are enthusiastic & idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer & need adventure, excitement & freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts & enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong & you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

V- You are individualistic & you need freedom, space & excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you & your lover. You respond to danger, thrills & suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W- You are very proud, determined & you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic & often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply & throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

Y- You are sexual, sensual & very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking & spending hours just touching, feeling & exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself & your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

Z- For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax & get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault & are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away & your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL WORD


Well, it's shit?. That's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word
in the English Language.

Consider: You can get shit-faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your
shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and
tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit
and shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, there is bull shit, horse shit
and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the
shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep
shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days
are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when
you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a
lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the
English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know
anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, if you don't give a
shit.

Well shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know?. That I do Give A
Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But if you happened
to catch a load of shit from some shit head--------Well shit happens.

sorry, no list but...

that elevator one reminds me of a time in a carpark elevator when a woman stepped into the lift, which already had about 8 people in it, and the maximum weight alarm started going off... without thinking i just looked at her and said "too heavy" she was pretty shocked...when the doors closed the other people in the lift cracked up...

.:DARWIN AWARDS OF 2003:.

* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.

* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was c aused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP....

TACOMA, WA

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say "said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night." "There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER....

PADERBORN, GERMANY

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. 'with no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that "Shit happens."

Perks of being over 40...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX


10. Guaranteed to get you at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you the candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

*giggles*
you people keep me amused
big ups!

QUOTE (brick @ Mar 15 2004, 12:10 PM)

sorry, no list but... that elevator one reminds me of a time in a carpark elevator when a woman stepped into the lift, which already had about 8 people in it, and the maximum weight alarm started going off... without thinking i just looked at her and said "too heavy" she was pretty shocked...when the doors closed the other people in the lift cracked up...

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Mar 15 2004, 01:14 AM)

40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake

OOooOOHHH MyyyYYYyyy GoooOOOoood!

That's exactly what my mum did!

Bought her second hand VP Commodore... drove at least 3 miles before realising that that's the reason she kept stalling in a automatic!

30 Reasons to love living in Adelaide

1. You only need to earn $40,000 per year to be "one of those rich snobs who can afford to live in Toorak Gardens"

2. Each vehicle has an average of 2.6 lanes of space, yet Road Rage is still a favourite past-time

3. 20 minutes gets you from East to West, but North to South takes about 2 hours

4. Motorists strike traffic lights every 150 metres, and none of them are synchronised, which gives drivers plenty of time to do their face, nails, read a novel, etc.

5. At least 90% of taxi drivers speak English

6. All the taxi drivers know Adelaide's 15 suburbs by heart

7. You actually know who your neighbours are

8. The variations in temperatures are unparalleled - up to 47 in summer, below freezing in winter

9. We have 2 teams in the national competition that can actually play football

10. You can drive from home to work and back on less than 1 tank of fuel

11. The most beautiful hills with gracious carvings (called "quarries") backdrop the city

12. It is impossible to get lost in the city or suburbs

13. Trains actually run on time - every 2 and a half hours

14. People apologise when you bump into them on the street

15. More people per head of population drive Volvos and play bowls than anywhere else in the world

16. Hard core gamblers go to the race track with $20 to spend

17. SARS is still a soft drink

18. The nearest pub is well within staggering distance

19. There are only 2 types of people - Crows supporters and Power supporters

20. There are beautiful, clean, white beaches - but no surf

21. We sell fritz

22. We have an airport second only to Baghdad, and a central interstate railway terminal nowhere near the CBD

23. Most people only have one job

24. When the realtor quotes a price for a house, it's the full price, not just the deposit

25. A 10 minute drive gets you into the country

26. If you forget where you parked your car in the CBD, there are only 6 streets to check

27. The nightclub closes at 2 am, guaranteeing at least a few hours sleep

28. You can read the local paper from front to back in 2 minutes

29. The only tram service stops a kilometre away from the CBD

30. If you want to learn a foreign language, buy a cappuccino and sit at an outside cafe in Rundle Street

fritz rocks

Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods

On hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for an iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On a box of sleeping pills: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On a bag of peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Mar 15 2004, 04:26 PM)

27. The nightclub closes at 2 am, guaranteeing at least a few hours sleep

And the survey says.... BA-BOOOOW!

Stupid Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

QUOTE (ballby @ Mar 15 2004, 10:42 PM)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

how else are you supposed to do it?

Top Signs of Net Addiction

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher."

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.

You start using smiley's in your snail mail.

Your hard drive crashes.

You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.

You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.

You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.

---------------------------------------
The top 10 things you'll never hear a woman say
---------------------------------------

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, get a whiff of that one!

---------------------------------------
The top 10 things you'll never hear a man say
---------------------------------------

10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas 'and' Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
6. Honey, since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with
me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just like to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

---------------------------------------
Top Ten Worst Methods of Transportation
---------------------------------------

10. Paper Airplane
9. Rumble seat on a camel
8. Slothsled team
7. Merry - Go - Round
6. Continental Drifting
5. Dogsled being pulled by dogs with dysentery
4. Catapault
3. Luge-pooling
2. Galloping Slugs
1. The back of a porcupine

---------------------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Pet is Suicidal
---------------------------------------

10 Your pet goldfish starts jumping out of his bowl and refuses to be put back in.
9 You leave your dog in the car with the windows rolled down and when you return, they're rolled up and the car is running.
8 He seems to be a little "melon collie."
7 He keeps running through the doggie door when you don't have one.
6 You suddenly hear your parrot call out "Here kitty kitty, here kitty."
5 Your cat intentionally tries to NOT land on it's feet.
4 Your hampster continuously throws himself under it's wheel.
3 Spot flushes while drinking out of the toilet in hopes of drowning.
2 Instead of reading "return to owner", the tag on its collar reads "please shoot me."
1 When your bird starts chanting "Polly want a Prozac!"

---------------------------------------
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
---------------------------------------
(and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

---------------------------------------
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men
---------------------------------------
(and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

... and who says males are complicated?

QUOTE (ballby @ Mar 16 2004, 12:13 AM)

Top Signs of Net Addiction

Guilty of several

100 Cool Things About Being A Guy


1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all of your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off of other's desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.

Male come back lines for female comeback lines to male pick up lines.


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat sl%t.



Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet



Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a $hit where you go.



Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilised.

Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.



Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.



Man: Would you like to dance?

Woman: I'd rather eat glass.

Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants



Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.

Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.



Man: You're pretty

Woman: Piss off.

Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

lmfao, thats gold Ben

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jan 19 2005, 12:12 PM)

Man: You're pretty Woman: Piss off. Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

gold comeback

The ABC's of ex-girlfriends...

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, becauseshe lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

thats some funny shit there ben! good work!

almost spat my drink out over a couple of those comebacks! lol!

This post has been edited by TCB on Jan 26 2005, 08:31 PM

The geography of a woman


Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa:
Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America:
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India:
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France:
Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia:
Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia:
Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia,
with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

List of Shits

The Ghost Shit, The Vanishing Shit
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.
The Clean Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but no shit on the toilet paper.
The Wet Shit, The Indelible Shit, The Gooey Shit
This shit has the consisyency of hot tar. You wipe your ass repeatly (or until raw) and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting a wad of toilet paper in your crack so you aren't walking around leaking shit. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet and in your underware.
The Second Wave Shit, Double Shit
You're all done wiping and you're about to stand up when you realize it ... you've got to shit again.
The Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This is a dangerous shit, the kind of shit that kills people. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The Whole Grain Shit
You've consumed so much fiber, your shit looks like a stick of fire wood and you loose 10 pounds in the process.
The Immediate Shit
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. This kind of shit usually has it's head peeping out before you can sit down.
The King Kong Shit, The Commode Choker, The Roto-Roter Shit, The Lincon Log Shit, The Nuclear Shit
These shits are in a class all their own, so large that you know it won't go down the toilet inless you break it into smaller chunks. This kind of shit usually happens at a friends or relatives house.
The Floater Shit, The Cork Shit, The Bruce Kirker
Even after multiple flushes, a turd-let is still bobbin around circling the pot. My God! How do you get rid of it?! This shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Brown Trout Shit, The Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit is alive, and jumps out of your ass to hit the water sideways that causes a huge splash that gets your ass all wet. Water will invariably be ice cold.
The Gaseous Shit
You thought you had to shit, but all you got was a few medium farts for your effort.
The Trick Shit
You thought you had a good fart to cut loose, but instead you shit in your pants. Usually happens among friends and where a toilet is no where to be found.
The Concrete Shit, The Spinal Tap Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before starting. Your positive your shit has turned into solid jagged rock, and you'd swear that it is leaving you sideways. This shit will sometimes cause injury to your asshole lips.
The Gee, I Wish I Could Shit, Shit, The Wish Shit
It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped, and fart a few times.
The Ottoman Shit
The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted to happen in several bowling alleys in the past few years especially.)
The Corn Shit
No explanation necessary.
The Drinker's Shit
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable traits are the incredibly bad smell and the the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
The Mexican Food Shit
A class all of its own.
The Crowd Pleaser, The Trophy Shit
This Shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. Consider for a moment to get the camera.
The Toxic Waste Shit, The Quad Shit
This kind of shit is a runny yellowish-brown liquid and gives off an odor so bad you're afraid to breathe. Your asshole is burning so bad that you actually get a mirror to check for damage.
The Moon Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Snake Shit
This shit if fairly soft and big around as your thumb, but is so long it coils up into cute little circles. This is rare, enjoy.
The Explosive Shit
This Shit come out in little explosions. Like a string of firecrackers. Just when you think the last blew, wait, there's more explosions to come. This shit can be messy with turd-lets as projectiles.
Volcano Shit
Not liquid and not solid, this shit emerges in a slow but continuous flow. Usually happens when you're sick.
The Nuclear Shit II
One huge explosion of a solid shit plug followed by a continuous stream of shit of varying textures and densities. Usually happens when someone is in the stall next to you. Asshole feels like it went up one size.
The Marble Shit, The Pebble Shit
Your asshole opens up and it's like a sushi maker produces little round marble like spheroids of shit. Sizes range from tiny ball bearings to large size shooters.
The Theatre Shit, The Bad Timing Shit, The SHIT! Shit
This shit gives you ample warning of it's impending arrival. Yet, you are still unable to find ac(commode)ations. Usually happens on long airline flights, in shopping malls, traffic jams, in the middle of a conferenece call or meeting, and the most exciting part of a sporting event. If you do nothing about it, could turn to a Concrete Shit
The Kieth Lomaz Shit
Disappears down the tube on impact. ie you look but nothing is there.
The Tortilla Shit
Pale pasty shit that you get after drinking beer and eating too many tortilla chips.
The Cable Shit
It reaches all the way down the bowl and still is coming out of your ass.
The Klingon Shit
The kind of shit that won't let go of your ass after the first clump falls off. This kind of shit makes you have to bounce up and down several times before it will fall off. Usually ends up sticking to other parts of your ass as well.
The Unsure Shit
You think you've got to shit. It's comming. No, it's not. Yes it is. No, it's NOT. Think twice about forcing "unsure shit" to become "Stroke Shit".
The Sex Shit
The urge to defecate caused by increased movement of internal organs due to the act of sex. This shit kind of sneaks up on you. You're never quite sure if you let go whether it will emerge in solid or gaseous state.
The Baby Shit
Self explanatory. Output is often more attractive and seemingly more palatable then input. Comes in a variety of colors and textures. Caution: babies have been known to process this shit a second time.
The Slow Shit
Similar to "The Unsure Shit" except you have the feeling of continuous, but miniscule progress. Coaxing, straining and grunting seldom helps. Get a magazine to read and relax. This shit has its own time table.
The Acid Shit
Occurs the morning after taking two hits of acid and getting the munchies. You're not quite sure what it is you ate, but from the looks of this shit, it must have been a wide range of foods. May come in vivid colors, or might just seem that way. May spend more time admiring shit than delivering shit.
The Phantom Shit
You know you did not shit today, but yet there is some shit residue in your pants. Could be caused by klingons from an earlier shit.
The Sample Shit
Without exception, when your doctor requests a stool sample, you will produce the most foulest, vile, jet-black shit you have ever shitted in your whole life. This shit is so violate that plastic containers are at risk of rupturing.
The Tasty Shit
This shit is otherwise unremarkable, but if dropped outdoors your prized hunting dog will suddenly show up and gobble this turd up like candy. Bad Dog! Bad Dog!
The Unknown Shit
This shit is where your child has dropped a big one in the other bathroom that you don't discover until days later. It is so decomposed you can't classify this shit.
The Delayed Shit
This shit is where you notice that you haven't shit for a few days. You begin to wonder what is delaying the shit. When the shit comes it will invariably be type "Concrete Shit"
The Sibling Shit
This shit is where you dare your little brother to fish your shit out of the toilet. He hesitates, but goes for it and reports, "somewhat like a firm banana".
The Shower Shit
This shit is where you have your crack all soaped up and suddenly feel a fart coming on ... you know it will sound great with soap in the crack so with one great grunt ... aren't you surprised when a smells load squirts onto the shower floor. Since you are in a confined area, the odor of this shit just makes you sick.
The Greens Shit
Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.
The Richard Simmons Shit
You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds.
The Ritual Shit
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished wih the aide of a newspaper.
The Guiness Book of World Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
The Aftershock Shit
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is effected.
The Honeymoon's Over Shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
The Olympic Shit
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit
The Back to Nature Shit
This shit may be anyone of the variety on this list, but it is always done either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
The Premeditated Shit
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
The Energizer vs Duracell Shit
Also known as the "Still going" shit.
The One-Leg-Out Shit
That's where you finally make it to the facilities after holding it for 15 minutes longer than you thought you could and you have to take one leg out of your shorts so you can spread your knees far enough apart to accomodate an extra wide dump.

probably better suited for the random image thread rather than funny lists but anyway...

ok

This post has been edited by Mekah on Feb 2 2005, 11:53 PM

Names Which Big Famous Stars Have (understandably) Changed

David Cook
David Essex

Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
Tom Cruise

Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Elton John

Harry Webb
Cliff Richard

Michael Douglas
Michael Keaton

Winona Horowitz
Winona Ryder

Doris von Kappelhoff
Doris Day

Eithne Ni Bhraonian
Enya

Caryn Johnson
Whoopie Goldberg

Frederick Austerlitz
Fred Astaire

Lawrence Tero
Mr. T

Barry Alan Pincus
Barry Manilow

Nastassja Naksyznyski
Nastassja Kinski

William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields

Robert Zimmerman
Bob Dylan

Mary Cathleen Collins
Bo Derek

Declan McManus
Elvis Costello

Nicholas Coppola
Nick Cage

Paul Hewson
Bono

Marvin Lee Aday
Meatloaf

Norma Jean Mortenson
Marilyn Monroe (it was 'Baker' later)

Demetria Guynes
Demi Moore

Edson Arantes do Nascimento
Pele

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien
J.R.R. Tolkien

Willy Gilligan, (skipper) Jonas Grumby, (professor) Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann Summers

Barbra Millicent Roberts
Barbie

Jason 'Jay' Scott Greenspan
Jason Alexander

Timothy Alan Dick
Tim Allen

Jennifer Anistonapoulos
Jennifer Aniston

Stuart Leslie Goddard
Adam Ant

Daniel Edward Agraluscasacra
Dan Aykroyd

Betty Joan Perske
Lauren Bacall

Andrew Barrymore
Drew Barrymore

Steven William Bragg
Billy Bragg

Eric Patrick Clap
Eric Clapton

--If Operating Systems Drove Your Car--


MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put the keys.

WINDOWS: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

MAC SYSTEM 7: You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives you to church.

UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching 2000 mph en route, you arrive at the barber's shop.

WINDOWS NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says 'go to the store'. Then you get out of the car and nail the letter to the dashboard.

TALIGENT/PINK: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2: After fuelling up with 6000 gallons of gas you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everyone in town.

S/36 SSP: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400: An attendant kicks you into the car and then drives you to the store where you watch everyone else buy filets mignon.

You Know You're Too Stressed If...



...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

...the Sun is too loud.

...trees begin chasing you.

...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.

...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

...you wonder if brewingis really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.

...you can hear mimes.

...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

...things become "Very Clear."

...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.

...your heart beats in 7/8 time.

...David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"

...you and Reality file for divorce.

...you can skip without a rope.

...it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

...you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

...you can travel without moving.

...antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

...you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

...you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

...teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

...you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

13 Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies


1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

7. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

8. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

9. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

10. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

11. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

12. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

13. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

The 5 Types Of Post-Marriage Sex
2004-01-09

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.


The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.


The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.


The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"


There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Here's a BIG list for ya! - Pickup lines and sms jokes...

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!

☻I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.



☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

Buy Cell Phones, PDA , Accessories



Latest Books on SMS



☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......

☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

☻ My Reality Check bounced.

☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!

☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra

☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

☻Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?

A: One has a real live culture.

☻Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.

☻friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx

☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!

☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!

allright Ben.. enough from you!

Not really funny this one, more interesting!


True Or False?
Which do you think are true or false? Keep score and check at the end!



1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!

6. Only seven ( 7 ) per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 yrs. old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.



















ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE!

This post has been edited by DJ Ben on Mar 28 2005, 08:09 PM

Advise From Kids...

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

Attached Image (Click thumbnail to expand)

You're not Australian until:

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad,
Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes
the better car,

3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the
ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is

5) You start using words like 'bloody' and 'hell' and call people 'champ'

6) You stop greeting people with 'hello' and go straight to the "how ya
doin'?"

7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugh Boots

8) You own a pair of ugh boots

9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out
incomprehensibly until your throat went raw while downing a few too many
beers.

10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but buggered if
you know what 'girt' means.

11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of
alcohol and a mate named 'Dave'.

12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of
the year.

13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly

14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the
clothesline pretending you can fly.

15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of 'dress
thongs' for special occasions.

16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care

17) You pronounce Australia as "Straya"

18) You call soccer "soccer, not "football"

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through Vita Brits to make little Vegemite
worms.

20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.

21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with
wearing Speedos.

22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.

23) You understand the value of public holidays.

24) You're weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.

25) You have a toilet dolly

26) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out
of a fence post.

27) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told
a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"

28) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least ten times a day.

29) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a caravan.

30) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie"

31) You've adopted a local bar as your own.

32) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical
distance.

33) You buy CARTONS of beer and put them in ESKIES (Pom)

34) You say football meaning Aussie Rules (the best code)

QUOTE (tekJuliet @ Jun 7 2005, 12:02 PM)

You're not Australian until: 32) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance.

agreed

open up this one for a good read

Attached Image (Click thumbnail to expand)

The Stupidity Test
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

Pathetic Pick Up Lines
I lost my teddy bear will you sleep whith me ?

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel

You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ May 10 2005, 09:24 PM)

Advise From Kids... 1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him. - Michael, 14 3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9 5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10 8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14 10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9 11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9 12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9 13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10 14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13 15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

Ben i can imagine you going to a school and asking kids their best advice

Heres mine tho im not a kid... dont stick your finger in the bilby enclosure at the zoo...
- Monique, 17

QUOTE (DJ Ben @ Jun 14 2005, 05:25 AM)

open up this one for a good read

hahahaha
Your different... and thats bad!

Hey guys, I'm compiling this list myself. Wondering if you can think of any more????

HOW DO CELEBRITIES HAVE THEIR COFFEE?

Martin Luther King Jnr: Equal amount of black & white
Eminem: Smooth Black in a white mug
Michael Jackson: Black w/enough milk to slowly turn white
Mr. T: Strong black ‘Tea’
Gary Coleman: Short Black
Dolly Parton: White with two lumps
Calista Flockheart: Flat White

This is so funny and so wrong...its the best of the worst top funny lists


The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diharreah of a cancer patient.
The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.
The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
Neighborhoods I’ve been chased out of due to Megan’s Law.
The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo doo on a stick.
Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
Black churches I bombed in the south.
20 people I hope die of leukemia.
The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
Celebrity face I've painted on my scrotum.
Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother.
American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
The 5 nicest hineys I ever sniffed by accident.
Altzeimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
25 autistics I think are faking it.
Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.
Girls I’ve fingered in their sleep.
10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
Sexual fantasies I’ve had revolving around pig feces.
Under aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.
Girlfriends who’ve caught me 69ing with their fathers.
Parasites I’ve caught nesting in my pubic hair.
The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
The 6 most disgusting Port o Johns I’ve fallen into face first.
Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.

Condom Slogans
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

Beware of the following new computer viruses
========================================

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Al Gore Virus - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.


APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus v 2.0 - Now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature's computers.

AT&T VIRUS - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Bill Clinton Virus v 1.0 - It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.

Bill Clinton Virus v 2.0 - It tells you it's executing any program you want, whether or not it's on your computer.

Bill Clinton Virus v 3.0 - Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.

Bill Clinton Virus v 4.0 - Mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton Virus v 5.0- Promises to give equal time to all processes- 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This Virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Bill Clinton virus v 6.0 - Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections...to any URL...because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected.

BILL GATES VIRUS - This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.

Bin Laden (aka Al Qaeda) virus - displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George W. Bush virus.

Birthday Virus - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.

BOB DOLE VIRUS - Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CHILD VIRUS - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 1.0 - It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Congressional Virus v 2.0 - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus v 3.0 - Overdraws your disk space.

Couch Potato Virus - Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DEMOCRAT VIRUS - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".

DIET VIRUS - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

DONALD TRUMP VIRUS - Harmless unless you use online banking.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 1.0 - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Ellen Degeneres Virus v 2.0 - Disks can no longer be inserted.

Elvis Virus - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Federal Reserve Virus - Affects performance of CDs.

Firestone Viruses - Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

French virus - garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, "I surrender!" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down.

Gallup Poll Virus - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

George W. Bush virus v 1.0 - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

George W. Bush virus v 2.0 - Tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.

GERALDO RIVERA VIRUS - Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Gridlock Virus - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
Hillary Clinton virus v 2.0 - sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.

HOWARD STERN VIRUS - One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.

HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

IRS Audit Virus - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

Jerry Springer Virus - Appears on your screen and says it has something to tell you and you may not like it.

Jesse Jackson virus - warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer.

Jiminy Cricket Virus - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.

Johnny Cochran Virus - (Often accompanied by one or more of the O.J. Viruses.) If it has no RISC, you must FDISK.

Joke Virus - poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Kafka Virus - Your operating system gradually metamorphosizes into a big hairy bug.

Ken Starr Virus v 1.0 - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

KEN STARR VIRUS v 2.0 - Developed in early 1990's at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.

Kevorkian Virus - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

Left-Wing-Drivel Virus - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.

Linux Virus - Causes the computer to hang for several days while it tracks down hardware drivers, networking how-to's, and window managers. Then it quits, saying that if you had better programming skills, your hard drive would be wiped by now.

MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.

Mario Cuomo Virus - It would be a great Virus, but it refuses to run.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MCI Virus v 1.0 - Encourages you to send it to your friends and family.

MCI VIRUS v 1.0 - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Michael Jackson Virus v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 2.0 - It preys on child processors.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 3.0 - It's BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it's identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have both never been seen together.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.

MILITIA VIRUS - Wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.

Mom Virus - Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.

Monica Lewinsky Virus v 1.0 - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS v 2.0 - A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there's no record of its activity. When it runs, it has no improper relationship with your computer's executive software yet its effectiveness is somehow diminished.

MORAL MAJORITY VIRUS - This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980's, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it's developers.

MTV's "The Real World" Virus - Replaces your default Windows sounds with excruciating Gen-X whining and bitching.

NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN (NOW) VIRUS - Forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.

NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO VIRUS - This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it's original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked it's teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS - Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NEWT GINGRICH VIRUS - It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the 'Right' partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the 'left' partition, it terminates and restarts to continue its work as a background process.

NIKE VIRUS - Just does it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 1.0 - It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

O.J. Simpson Virus v 2.0 (Often accompanied by the Johnny Cochran Virus.) – You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan Virus v 1.0 - Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 2.0 - Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

Pat Buchanan Virus v 3.0 - Splits an otherwise healthy hard drive into two meaningless parts. Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

Pokemon Virus - Sucks up all your money and only renders 3rd rate animation.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".

Ponzi Virus - It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the next 10 items of mail you send.

POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS - Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.

Pornography Virus - Consumes all available hard drive space, but leaves the computer's owner with a warm sense of contented well-being.

PRO-CHOICE VIRUS - Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.

Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Public Transportation Virus - Makes your browser stop at every website.

Quantum Leap Virus - One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.

Ralph Nader Virus - Not harmful per se, but perfectly willing to let your system crash just to "teach you a lesson."

Regis Philbin Virus - Will not complete display of algorithm results until CPU confirms that's its final answer.

REPUBLICAN VIRUS - Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.

Richard Nixon Virus - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Popular in China.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS - Deletes FAT table.

Right to Life Virus v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, “Oh, no, you don't!”, whenever you choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Right-To-Life Virus v 2.0 - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Right-Wing-Hardliner Virus - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.

David Duke Virus - Makes your screen go completely white.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS v 1.0 - Probably the most dangerous virus we've ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, than eats them. It's so stupid you don't take it seriously until it's too late.

RUSH LIMBOUGH VIRUS v 2.0 - This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, its virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support its replication.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 1.0 - This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks its closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it's most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults its national dignity.

Saddam Hussein Virus v 2.0 - Won't let you into any of your programs.

Saddam Hussein virus v 3.0 - spawned other viruses and was believed to create Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD). Some of the spawned viruses are still in existence but are gradually being eradicated by the George W. Bush virus. PMDs spawned by the Saddam Hussein virus, if they exist, have yet to be found because they have the "hidden" attribute set. The Saddam Hussein virus wasn't seen for a long time because of the rapid spread of the George Bush virus. At the end of 2003, the George Bush virus found every instance of the Saddam Hussein virus, which was discovered to have mutated into a harmless, ugly graphic hiding in the Trash/Recycle Bin.

SEARS VIRUS - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

SHARON STONE VIRUS - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Slacker Virus - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.

SONNY BONO VIRUS - Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Sprint Virus - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.

STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Stephen King Virus - It wipes a fifth of your hard drive, then tells you that if enough people send in a dollar, it will destroy the rest in some surprising, exciting way.

Survivor Viruses - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

Tech Stock Virus - At the slightest hint of an error, plays a screaming panic sound and shuts down your computer.

TED KENNEDY VIRUS - It drives your files into the bitstream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.

TED TURNER VIRUS - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEENAGER VIRUS - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.

TEXAS VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Tiger Woods Viruses - Assumes pre-eminence over other applications, which are left to operate at consistently humiliating performance levels. Beats you in every computer game you play.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Tipper Gore Virus - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.

TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.

Tonya Harding Viruses - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. Your
CD-ROM drive randomly ejects in an attempt to bash your knee.

U.N. virus - Annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK, Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.

Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure
on your zip drive. Turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive.

WARREN BEATTY VIRUS - Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

Wonderbra Virus - Results in overflow stack.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS - Bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.

X-FILES VIRUS - All your icons start shape-shifting.

101 Things NOT To Say During Sex

1.But everybody looks funny naked!
2.You woke me up for that?
3.Did I mention the video camera?
4.Do you smell something burning?
5.(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6.Try breathing through your nose.
7.A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10.But whipped cream makes me break out.
11.Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12.(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13.Can you please pass me the remote control?
14.Do you accept Visa?
15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17.And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18.So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19.(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21.(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.Do you get any premium movie channels?
23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25.Got any penicillin?
26.But I just brushed my teeth...
27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29.I want a baby!
30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31.(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34.I think you have it on backwards.
35.When is this supposed to feel good?
36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.You're good enough to do this for a living!
38.Is that blood on the headboard?
39.Did I remember to take my pill?
40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41.I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42.That leak better be from the waterbed!
43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47.No, really... I do this part better myself!
48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49.This would be more fun with a few more people..
50.You're almost as good as my ex!
51.Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53.You look younger than you feel.
54.Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57.Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60.What tampon?
61.Have you ever considered liposuction?
62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63.What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64.I have a confession...
65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66.Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68.Is that a hanging sculpture?
69.You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70.Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72.Did you come yet, dear?
73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75.Does this count as a date?
76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77.Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78.I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79.Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80.When would you like to meet my parents?
81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82.Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84.Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85.(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86.I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87.Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88.Sorry but I don't do toes!
89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92.I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93.So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95.Is this a sin too?
96.I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98.Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99.Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100.How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?